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Thursday, December 19, 2013

Always....:)

Always pray to have eyes that see the best, a heart that forgives the worst, a mind that forgets the bad and a soul that never loses faith.

I love this.  I think it says a lot about the person that I have been trying to find inside myself for so long.  I always knew she was in there.  I'll be honest.  One of the things I lost in my depression was my faith in God.  I'm not a super religious person.  But, I've always believed in God, prayed and all of that stuff.  One of the things I remember saying to my mom in January is that I was mad at God.  That may sound crazy but, for someone who felt like she had nothing to offer the world and that everyone was conspiring against her, it probably doesn't surprise you to hear that come out of my mouth.  I felt like there was some secret plan to make life miserable and I didn't understand why I got so lucky (that's sarcastic)...

So, with that, here's what this quote means to me:

Always pray to have eyes that see the best....

For me, this means asking a higher power to help you see the best in others and yourself.  Find your best qualities and showcase them.  We are all unique.  We all have something amazing to offer the world.  You just have to find it inside yourself.  It took me 33 long (and short) years to figure out that I had a lot to offer the world.  In fact, I'm still figuring it out.  I have trouble understanding (at times), why people are so interested in my story and this blog.  But, then I try to tell myself, you really do have an amazing story to tell.  I still have trouble believing that about myself.  I'm getting better, slowly

A heart that forgives the worst...

I've had to forgive a lot of people, things and events in order to get to the point I am at right now.  For so long I held on to so many things that weighed me down in so many ways.  The physical weight was a huge piece but holding on to all the crappy stuff was almost a bigger part.  Although a lot of the things I had to forgive weren't meant to be the worst, for some reason, they were to me.  Again, we are all individuals and we all react to situations and events differently.  I've had to figure out (slowly) why certain things bother me, what makes me upset and what makes me happy.  Forgetting is easy (for most).  Forgiving is much harder and takes action on your part.  It took me a very long time to forgive a lot of people for a lot of things.  Some of which they don't even know about.  But, every time I've forgiven someone in the last 11 months, I've felt my heart get a little bigger and the weight on my shoulders get just a little lighter.

A mind that forgets the bad....

As I mentioned above, part of forgiving is forgetting.  With my memory, sometimes forgetting is the hardest part.  But, I've just had to move past all the things that I can't forget.  And I've worked really hard to move past the bad things or figure out why they happened and learn a lesson from them.  Once you stop holding on to the bad things, you'll be amazed at how few truly bad things happen to you.  We all have days we wish we could forget or redo, but, in the end, it just an unfortunate set of circumstances that was put in motion for a particular reason.  Eventually you'll figure out why.  I'm still figuring it out.

And a soul that never loses faith.

Yep, I lost faith.  In a lot of things and a lot of people.  But, I can't begin to describe how amazing it feels to have found it again.  I believe everything happens for a reason.  Maybe I've gone through all of this so I can help other people through difficult situations.  That is a big part of my job and something I enjoy doing.  Maybe it was because I needed to meet some new people (Renee', Lindsey, Kira and Kelli just to name a couple) who have shown me what it's like to have people respect you for who you are and are in your corner 100% (no matter how stupid I might be about food....).  My close friends and my family who have always been there for me, even when I tried to push you away (Mom, Dad, Andy, Kristin, Ang, Seth, Kim, the list could go on forever).  You are all a big part of the reason I have faith in the world again.  And in people.  Such a blessing.

Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.