I've written a little bit about how I felt in January of 2013. But I'll give you a little more insight. My mom knew how much I was struggling and I know after our difficult conversation in early January, she finally knew how much I needed to feel like I matter to her and the rest of my family. So, she told me we were going to spend the day together on MLK day. I was so excited! Just me and mom. We saw a hilarious movie and were planning to stop at Panera and hang out for a bit on the way home. Unfortunately, there was a horrible car accident that shut down most of the highway early that morning. We thought it would be cleared up by the time the movie ended but it wasn't. So, we ended up sitting in the car for almost 2 hours to travel a total of about 5 miles back to my house. However, I think that 2 hours was just as important as any other time we spend together. We talked some more but, I wasn't sobbing the whole time. I was going into a little more detail with her about how I felt, why certain things were bringing me down so much, etc. I don't remember a lot of the exact details of the conversation but the one thing I remember clearly is saying this to my mom - "I'm tired of being sad all the time". She reassured me that I would figure it all out and she would be there to support me in any way she could and that I wanted her to. I told her that, while I was nervous, I was also excited to meet Renee' later that week.
I kind of already wrote about this way back at the beginning of my blog but, to I'll try to describe it a little more to you. The day I met Renee', it was freezing cold outside. I got a little turned around trying to find the facility (if you've read about my adventures at the grocery store, this shouldn't surprise you..) but I eventually found it. And I wasn't late. That's achievement for me! I'm usually at least 5 minutes late to everything. Renee' probably doesn't know this. Unless she was watching me from the window. But I think she probably had better things to do! I stood at the door for a couple of minutes trying to get up the courage to go in. I had no idea who I was meeting or what I was walking into. That used to be extremely frightening for me. Okay, it still is, but I'm getting better!
One of her trainers showed me where her office was and while I was expecting to shake her hand, she stood up and gave me a hug. Put me right at ease. I needed that. Immediately, I felt like our conversation just flowed. She asked me questions and I wasn't scared to answer them or elaborate on my answers. Those who know me are probably thinking, no way, Amanda hates talking to new people. More or less, they would have been right. But there was something different about Renee'. I've teased her about sprinkling some kind of magic dust on me but, overall, I think I just trusted her from very early on. I know we talked for at least 40 minutes. The time just flew by.
I couldn't believe that just 3 days ago I had been sitting in a car telling my mom that I was tired of being sad all the time. I was still struggling. I would for awhile and still have my moments. But I finally saw a light at the end of the tunnel.
What you hear all the time is so true - Anything is possible - just find a place to start. Learning how to smile again and be happy is the best thing that's happened to me in the last 10 months. Yes, losing 94 pounds isn't too shabby. But, the biggest gift I've been given and achievement I have is how much I've grown on the inside.
Strength and growth come only through continuous effort and struggle - Napoleon Hill
I never would have said this last year at this time but I truly believe this now:
Challenges are what make life interesting. Overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Keep trying - you'll get there - I promise!