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Saturday, July 19, 2014

Inspiration... Who, Me?

This weekend is the annual preseason tournament for the soccer teams my brother and sister coach in the fall.  I always try to go to a few games.  I enjoy it and I like supporting them and their teams.  They've coached at the school for several years so many of the parents and families have gotten to know my family and I.  As a result, many of them have watched me as I've transformed my life.  Which, I'll be honest, is fun for me.  Since I only see them a few months out of the year, I have been lucky enough to hear some fun compliments this weekend.  

The one word I still struggle with as a description of me is inspiring.  I mean, I haven't done anything special.  But, it is fun to hear and it has led me to these thoughts - 

I struggle with confidence every day.  Especially self-confidence.  It's something I work on all the time.  And some days are better than others.  In my 34 years, I've never had much confidence in myself. There are lots of reasons for that.  Many of which probably don't matter anymore but have all been a part of shaping me into who I am.  They are all reasons that I found myself in the position I was in a year and a half ago.  But, as I started to learn how to like myself and began to find my way in the world, I've realized it is okay to display the little bit of confidence I do have.  

One mom asked me how much weight I've lost.  When I told her she just said that's amazing, congratulations and told me I looked great.  Another mom is the one who said I am her inspiration (weird to me, but, okay :)) and just said I look great.  Renee' was sitting there and I think she said, "she's an inspiration to a lot of people".  I just smiled.  I really have difficulty with knowing what to say when I hear these compliments.  No idea why.  Maybe because I spent so long not hearing those kinds of positive things from people.  I'm not the best with thinking of things to say off the top of my head (which is one of the reasons I like writing this blog).  So, smiling is usually about the most you'll get out of me.  Not because I don't appreciate it.  But, because I'm still not very comfortable talking about myself.  

I don't even realize on a daily basis that I'm inspiring people (which I say only because that is what I've been told).  I guess the way I've started living my life every day could be considered inspiring.  I'm just happy.  I may not ever lose any more weight.  I hope I do but, if not, I'll work with what I've got.  I just keep trying.  I'm not (as) afraid of meeting new people.  Or going out in public.  I am definitely still guilty of hiding in my house.  But, I try to get out in the world.  I know being out among people is going to be something I work on for the rest of my life.  

Currently I'm struggling with what to focus on in my life.  I need some new goals.  I've been trying to think of a couple of things to work on for the last week or so but I'm not sure I've thought of anything yet.  So, my homework (yes, even I still have homework) right now is to try to figure out what I can work on.  So far, I have a blank piece of paper with Goals at the top.  Yeah, I've got some work ahead of me :) 

So, what does all of that have to with being inspiring?  Well, I guess to be inspiring you have to, as the quote above says, be a strong person.  And, while I'm not sure inspiring is an accurate description of me, I do think I'm a strong person.  I wouldn't have gotten to where I am in life if I weren't strong.  I have been pushed around and put in more difficult situations than I can count.  While I don't think I'll ever be sure of the reasons behind all of them, I know they are all a part of why I've found success in changing my life.  I've had ups and downs throughout this journey.  I still do.  But, it's how I go through those ups and downs that I believe makes me a strong person.  And, apparently, inspiring.