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Monday, September 29, 2014

When Your Story Doesn't Make You Cry....

"When you can tell your story and it doesn't make you cry, 
you know you have healed"

This whole blog is about my story.  The good and bad times.  The struggles and triumphs.  And there have been times it has been a little more difficult than you might think to write.  I love writing.  It's very healing for me.  I'm not the best at talking about myself, expressing how I feel, etc off the top of my head.  I often struggle to figure out why things bother me, why I'm upset and/or the reasons behind my feelings and emotions.  So, writing this blog gives me the opportunity to think about what I want to say and what it means to me.  Maybe even what I've learned from different experiences.  But, as I write these entries, it takes me a long time to really think about what I want to say.  It might be surprising to learn this, but, at times, it's been difficult to write about some of this journey.  Experiencing depression, difficulties I've had throughout my life, feeling lost in many ways and, eventually trying to find my place in the world.  Those aren't easy things to write about.  Especially when you work in the mental health field.  Many people think when you have that kind of a career you should have this all figured out.  Well, I can speak from experience that nothing could be further from the truth.  In fact, many people get into this field because they want to help people who need assistance to get through the difficult spots in life.  Be a light to someone in ways they've struggled to find themselves.  

I am very blessed, I have an amazing family.  My parents are the best people in the world and my brother and sister are truly my best friends in the entire world.  Sounds cheesy, right?  Well, it's true.  But, at the same time, I've had my struggles with finding my place with all of them.  And, it took me almost 33 years to finally come to the conclusion that I couldn't do everything on my own.  That I needed help in many ways.  I needed someone who didn't really care who I was related to and wanted to learn about me as a person to help me see how amazing I can be.  And, yes, I am actually describing myself that way.  Rare occurrence.  I never would have used that word to describe myself 2 years ago.  Or anything even remotely close to amazing.  My friendship with Renee' is one of the greatest blessings I've ever received in my life.  She has helped me figure out so much about myself.  Simply just by asking me questions I never would have asked myself.  Or had the courage to figure out the answers to.  I work on it every day.  And, I feel a little stronger every day.

So, one would think, hey this girl has an amazing family, a job she loves, good friends, etc, how could her story possibly make her cry?  Well, to keep it short, a lot of it is internal.  It's how I see myself and how I believe others see me.  It's my insecurities about who I am and my trust issues with people I let into my life.  It takes a long time to knock down the walls I have built up around myself.  It's my protection.  But, I do think I've let the walls get a little weaker and a little shorter over the last year and a half.  In my book, that's success.  When people ask me what got me started on this adventure, I can open up and tell people about the depression without being embarrassed or wanting to crawl in a hole and hide.  I used to just say, oh, I knew I wasn't healthy and that I needed to lose weight.  It was the easy out.  Now, there's a smile on my face most days of the week that I never knew existed.  My story makes me smile.  And feel so incredibly proud of myself and all I've overcome and accomplished.  It gives me strength each and every day in ways I didn't know was possible.  It may sound crazy, but, my story has actually given me the ability and the power to find happiness.  Because I know what the alternative is and what it feels like.  And I know, for certain, that I never want to go back there.  

"Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come.  Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won 
and all the fears you have overcome."

I work on that every day.  And I've started to believe I am capable of this one - 

"Stand in front of your past and let it be."