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Thursday, July 23, 2015

Finally Being Able to Explain "Why"

We all hear so much about mental illness, depression, etc on a regular basis.  And most of us don't understand it even a little bit.  Which brings me to why I felt like writing tonight.  I saw this recently and it made me start thinking about, and remembering, my own journey over the last 2.5 years (yes, that milestone happens tomorrow!!)


Thankfully, I no longer feel this way.  But, I vividly remember when I did.  And it was the worst thing ever.  I knew I wasn't happy but I had no idea why.  I would talk to people and I couldn't come up with one good thing to say about my life.  But, still I couldn't explain to myself, let alone anyone else, why I was sad all the time.  I had no idea how mixed up things were for me inside my head until I started to confront my feelings.

How do you explain to someone who's never felt this type of sadness what it feels like??  Well, I've been through it and I still have no idea.  In fact, I don't think I've ever been able to put into words what it feels like.  Because words don't adequately describe what true and utter despair and sadness truly feels like to the person dealing with it.

One thing I can say is that, no matter how many people you have around who you know love and appreciate you, this kind of sadness will make you feel extremely alone.  Like no one cares, understands or really wants you around.  I experienced all 3 of these.  Even though none of them were true.  And, when the people who love me would try to reassure me, I just nodded and was like, "yeah, okay".  I didn't believe it.  I mean, what else would they say to me?  That's what was running through my mind.

Turns out, I needed to figure myself out.  First, was admitting I had some issues I needed to face.  Once I did that, and admitted I needed some help, everything seemed to kind of fall into place for me.  I found some amazing people who genuinely wanted to help me figure things out for me.  Not for any other reason.  I didn't know there were people like that out there in the world.  They opened my eyes to all the possibilities that are out there if you simply learn to like (and love) yourself.  And, when you figure out that you are here on this earth for a reason, you start to realize that the sadness, despair and what others think about you often exists only in your mind.

Figuring yourself out is quite a gift.  But it is also a very long journey.  One that is worth it in the long run.  There are ups and downs.  I still have those at times.  But, I work my way through them.

I work through this process every day.  I will always have insecurities that plague me when I question various aspects of myself and my life.  But, the difference now, is that I have the strength to work my way through whatever hard time I may be encountering.  And, best of all, I have happiness and an amazing support system on my side.  It doesn't get much better than that!!