Happiness - And Enjoying Down Time

Oh Fridays - For most people, it is the best day of the week.  The end of another week of work and the beginning of two days of freedom and, for most, fun plans with family and friends.  Much as I used to prefer being closed up in my house, I also used to not look forward to weekends very much.  Mostly because, unless I was babysitting my niece and nephew or hanging out with my family in some way, I would be cooped up in my house and probably wouldn't talk to anyone most of the weekend unless I ran some errands.  Kinda depressing, huh?  Big part of where I found myself in January 2013.  Not anyone's fault, it was just where I found myself. 

So, the first weekend in October and, for the first time in over a month, I didn't have anything to do.  I was actually looking forward to it!  I slept in, enjoyed a nice long walk on Saturday morning, watched my nephew play soccer and, my favorite part, I went shopping.  Under strict instruction, I gave away all of my warm clothes last spring when I was getting my spring/summer clothes out of storage.  So, as it started getting colder, I realized I didn't have anything to wear that was even semi-warm!  So, I went to the mall, visited a couple of stores and came away with some cute shirts, a couple of sweaters and..... two pairs of pants in a size 12!  I know I've said it before when I fit into a size 14, but to fit into a 12.... I don't think I can even describe that moment.  I didn't believe it and I was in the dressing room trying on the pants!  I sent Renee' a message because I was so excited and, when she responded, she told me 10's are waiting for me!  Leave it to her to remind me that I'm far from done on this journey :)  I can always count on her for that!  And it's awesome!

It's hard to describe how much more laid back I am in many situations.  My friend called me that afternoon and said she was near my house and wanted to stop by - I was so excited to see her and her little boy!  The old me would have been worried about how messy my house was and that there were so many things reachable for an 18 month old.  Now, I just sit and watch and laugh as he picks up different things and plays with random stuff he found.  So fun.  It was so good to catch up with Kim.  

In addition to being lazy, I started working on the personal training course.  Can't believe I really just wrote that.  Let's just say there's a lot to how the body functions and some weird names for processes and body parts.... I've got some studying to do!  I will say, I think it was mean of the people writing the course to compare muscle fibers (I think) to fried chicken.  Clearly, I don't eat fried chicken so why tempt me??  :)

So, although I thought my weekend was going to be quiet, it turned out that I kept myself busy, spent time with a good friend, and just relaxed.  Such a change from a year ago.  I don't feel bad for myself when I spend a day sitting on my couch, catching up on the shows I record throughout the week.  I just take advantage of the time to chill and not think about anything.  I love that my mind isn't going a million miles a minute thinking about all the things that are bad about my life.  Know what... there's hardly anything bad about my life these days.  I can't even begin to tell you how incredible that feels!

I love this quote and I think it really describes me in the last 8.5 months:

Happiness is not something ready made.  It comes from your own actions.

I never thought I would understand how true that actually is - in so many ways!!

Discovering that Life is Fun

It's the beginning of October and I am still enjoying every second of the new life I have created for myself.  I love my job, the people I work with and all the friends and memories I am making now each and every day. Making all of these changes has benefited more than me.  I think it has made a difference in the lives of the people I am around every day.  I smile all the time (a co-worker told me that recently) and I am just genuinely happy.  I can't remember the last time I was able to say that.  There was always something pulling me down and to not have that occurring on a daily basis is such a blessing in so many ways.

Workouts get a little harder to vary for me every day because I still don't know a lot about fitness.  So, I did the same weight stuff twice that week and then did a decent amount of cardio because I felt up to it.  That doesn't always happen.  Plus it was really humid and gross outside, especially for October so staying at the gym instead of going outside was actually appealing :)

The next day was going to be another busy one and I knew I wouldn't have time to get a workout in after school.  But, I didn't want to get in trouble again... so, I set my alarm for 30 minutes earlier than normal, got up and did 20 minutes of an at home workout.  I felt great when I was done and happy with myself.  I had an extra spring in my step that morning too because I had lost another 2 pounds.  I can't believe the weight just keeps coming off!  I guess doing it the right way, eating the right things, and doing the right kind of exercise really does pay off.  I know the last 50 or so pounds I want to lose are going to be the slowest ones to take off so I am okay with slow and steady.  Plus, I get to focus on all the other amazing things happening in my life and all the goals I want to set and eventually achieve in my life.

With all of the other changes I am making in my life, I decided to try a different / short hairstyle.  I don't feel like I've ever been able to pull something this short off before but I was so excited to give it a try (it's hair, it grows back) and I love the result!

I love how I want to be noticed.  I never used to enjoy that.  I wanted to just blend in and be the nice one in the background.  I also didn't feel like I had a reason to be noticed.  Now, I know I have so much to offer the world and it is such an amazing feeling.  I'm sure a lot of people always know that about themselves but, for me, it's taken awhile for me to figure that out.  Well, okay, years.  But, now that I have, I can't even begin to explain how good I feel.

If you didn't know me prior to January, I'm not sure you can imagine how much I have changed in such a short period of time.  It's crazy.  I take advantage of the time I have to exercise as my "me time".  My "me time" used to include sitting on the couch, watching TV and feeling sorry for myself.  I won't lie, I still sit on the couch and watch TV at times but that whole feeling sorry for myself thing is completely gone.  I get excited to go out and do things.  If it is with people I don't know very well, it'll still take me awhile to warm up to the situation.  But, the fact that I am going to different places and doing different things is a huge step.  And one I never want to stop making.

I know the good things will just keep happening and I can't wait to see what else is in store for me to discover.

How I Feel About Mondays....And Other Things

The start of another week.  I can't even begin to tell you how much I used to dread Mondays.  I mean, I still don't enjoy getting up early.  I am not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination (just ask my mother) but now that I actually look forward to each day, it isn't quite as hard to get out of bed.  Remember, 8 months ago, I didn't want to leave the house.  I hated getting dressed in anything other than sweatpants and unless it involved seeing my nephew and nieces, I really wanted nothing to do with it.  So, to experience such a huge 180 in such a short time has been such a crazy feeling.  My whole life has changed in ways I can't even begin to describe.  My family sees me and, obviously they know where I started, they are ecstatic about the changes I have made.  Their love and support throughout all of this is one of the main reasons I've kept going.

She tells me to stop thanking her but I can say, without a doubt, I would not be where I am without Renee's support and friendship.  First of all, I would probably still be eating lean cuisine meals and not know what a garlic clove is.  Well, I still don't know what to do with it, but at least I know what it is!  I know there are countless other things I would still be a complete moron about if it weren't for her help.  But the biggest difference is our friendship and how many positive things she's helped me find in my life.

So, that Monday, I had to call the claims guy about the new leak.  I met him at my house midday and he started by telling me that I have the patience of a saint.  Deep down, I was definitely frustrated with all of this but, because everything else in my life is going so well, I just kept trying to not let it get me down.  After an hour of trying to figure out where the leak was coming from (and cutting a big hole in my basement ceiling), my patience paid off.  He figured out where it was coming from and said it was indirectly related to the first leak and would be fixed for free!! Guess being nice to people has some benefits.

My days were pretty normal at work and that Tuesday I went to another soccer game in the evening.  There were a couple of people there I hadn't seen in a long time and one of them said 'I used to know someone who looked just like you...'  and then congratulated me on all my changes.  What an amazing feeling.  Made me smile big time!

I have been wanting to try to walk/jog a 10K for awhile now but they are hard to find.  So, when I heard about one near where my parents live, I convinced my mom to sign up with me and I am actually looking forward to it.  Hey, I've already walked 13.1 miles.  I can do 6.2, right??

It's so fun to be looking for things to do and trying to keep busy.  I look forward to being active and achieving different milestones.  We're 9 months into the year and I can only be excited about and look forward to the next 3 months and beyond!

Taking Chances, Being Busy and Dealing with Life

Already the last weekend in September.  Where has the year gone?  I'm not sure but this has by far been the best year of my life in so many ways.  It definitely didn't start out that way.  I was so down on myself and my life in general that I couldn't have even imagined being this happy and this alive.

I was so looking forward to the weekend.  After the beer run and spending time with my friends on Friday, I had another busy Saturday ahead of me.  My nephew plays soccer right now and I love being able to watch his games so I drove out to watch him play.  Afterwards, I went to Special Olympics practice where I walked around the pool for an hour timing kids in their races so we will be ready for the meet in November.  I received more compliments from people who hadn't seen me in awhile and I was just excited to be enjoying watching the kids swim in my tank top and shorts.  I never would have been comfortable like that last year.

I knew I needed new gym shoes so I went to the running shoe store and got my feet measured again.  Never knew I could lose weight in my feet!  I went down an entire size in just a few months.  And I bought bright orange shoes!  I'd definitely stand out in a crowd - and, sounds crazy, but I never would have worn shoes like that a few months ago.  I would do anything I could to just blend in to the crowd.  Now, I don't mind standing out, well a little.  I'm not used to being the center of attention at all.  And it definitely makes me uncomfortable, even still.

That evening I was invited to a housewarming party.  I was excited to go but a little nervous at the same time.  The only people I would know are the people having the party.  And, as I've said before, I don't do very well in uncomfortable situations or places where I don't know people.  Just that fact that I went, knowing I wouldn't know anyone, is a huge step for me.  Although I didn't say much throughout the night, I did have a good time.  I had a couple of conversations but, overall, I just kinda stood back and took it all in.  Everyone was so nice and when I did talk, having a conversation with different people was fun.  I got to know my friends better and by the end of the night I felt more comfortable.  Just wish I spoke a little more.  But, with me, it all happens in time.  It takes me awhile to warm up to people but, once I do, I'm usually pretty easy to talk to and fun to be around, I think.  I've gotten a little better at not dwelling on the thought that people might think I am rude.  It's just my nature and I am definitely guarded in a lot of ways.  BUT, I also smile so much more and and am taking more chances in my life than I ever have.

Sunday was going to be a lazy day.  Got a nice walk in and was looking forward to laying around and being lazy.  However, when I went in the basement to start laundry, I heard water coming from my ceiling, looked up and saw a huge crack right underneath my kitchen.  The old me would have cried and probably had the equivalent of a panic attack.  Instead, I called my dad and we talked through the best thing I could do and decided I would call the claims guy from the previous leak because we figured it was related.   I put some buckets under the leak, turned on a fan to dry the water soaked carpet and went about my lazy day.  While definitely frustrated with all of this, I knew I couldn't control it and just had to go with the flow.

Having a different outlook on life is an amazing feeling.  I'm not sure what I can compare it to.  I recently reread my first blog post about how I was letting my weight mask everything else that was wrong with my life.  Now that I had lost a significant amount of weight, my self confidence had grown in ways I couldn't have imagined a year ago.  But it wasn't, and still isn't, just about the weight.  I have new friends, an amazing job working with great people, friends and family members who believe in me and like me for who I am.  I haven't changed as a person (I hope), I just know I'm a better version of myself.  I'm living my life - and that's an unbelievable feeling for someone who, just 8 months ago, didn't want to leave the house.  I can only imagine what's still in store for me to discover.

Taking the Easy Way Out and Trying New Things

After a long day on Wednesday, I knew Thursday was going to be another busy one.  Traveling around in the morning to visit my off-site students, a normal busy day and then a staff meeting after school.  This meant I didn't leave work til after 4.  My brother's team had a game about 30 minutes away from my house and I debated all day about whether I wanted to go.  I ended up going and had fun.  However, that also meant that I had zero time to get any exercise in that day.  That very rarely happens and I felt sorta guilty but I figured one day wouldn't kill me.  After all, I had lost another pound that week, I had forced myself to go for a walk after conferences and I was hardly tempted by bad food anymore.

So, in my email to Renee' that night to update her on my life, I told her that I didn't do anything.  I usually tell her about my workouts so I knew she would be suspicious if I just didn't say anything.  Well, she did exactly what I needed her to do, although I didn't know it.  She told me that, no matter what, I have to find a way to get something active in every day.  Even if it is just 10 minutes.  I knew she was right and I love that she "yelled" at me.  I get comfortable way too easy.  It's how I've gotten myself in trouble before with weight loss.  In some ways, I think it is how I sabotage myself.  Yes, I am definitely guilty of that.  So, to have someone remind me that I can't let all my hard work go to waste, is awesome.  It's what I need from time to time to keep myself on track and stay active.  The other funny part??  Other than kinda nodding my head in shame when I read her response, I didn't get upset.  A year ago if someone had written something like that to me, no matter how good natured it was intended to be, I would have been so upset for the rest of the day.  Guess it really is a new me!

Friday was also an interesting day.  Definitely tired and feeling lazy from the week.  A co-worker's husband brought in donuts but, know what??  They didn't even smell appetizing.  What an amazing feeling!  I went to a counselor luncheon at an Italian restaurant that afternoon.  Me and Italian food can be a dangerous combination.  I LOVE anything with pasta, sauce and cheese.  But, I knew I didn't need to go crazy.  I had a decent amount of salad and stuck mostly with chicken.  The two pasta dishes looked delicious so I took one bite of each one just to satisfy my taste buds.  Funny thing - one bite was enough.  And, for dessert, I stuck with fresh fruit and my york peppermint patties.  I really am a new person!

That evening I was excited to see a couple of my friends from my previous job.  We participated in a Beer Run and had a blast!  I wore a tutu and made a complete fool out of myself and I didn't even care!  A year ago, I never would have done anything like this, nor would I have put on a tutu.

 I have finally found those things called self confidence and self esteem that really make life worth living.  I absolutely have (with a lot of help and support) created a better version of myself.  I am happy, healthy and living my life.  Although there are still so many things I still have to force myself to do, every day I make a little bit of progress and it feels great!!

New Goals, New Me

On Sunday evening I was exhausted but so energized from the fun weekend I had.  Anyone who has read this blog knows that I am pretty much an idiot when it comes to anything related to food.  Fitness, I would classify myself a step above idiot but still not very smart.  Since January I definitely feel as though I've learned a lot and somewhat expanded my knowledge.  That whole food thing is going to take me another 10 years or so but I make a little progress every day :)  So, when Renee' asked me if I was interested in learning more about fitness and nutrition, I admitted that I was intrigued but had no idea if it was something that I should look in to.  She said she would send me some websites to look at and we talked a little about the possibility of me looking into becoming a personal trainer.  It would be something I could do for fun, just a couple of hours on a weekend or something.  Again, I didn't think this was even something I would remotely consider.  I mean, I look nothing like a trainer.  But, as we talked more, it started to make a little more sense.  I mean, I am still overweight but from where I used to be, I am a much healthier version of myself.  Maybe I could work with people who are in the same position I used to be in.  I told her I would read more about it.  Of course, I won't commit to anything without thinking about it.  As Renee' says, me and my safe plans....and she's right!  I am not an impulsive person.  Anything new is extremely scary to me, in lots of ways.  So, I now had more homework - but it was the good kind!

That next week was going to be a busy one.  I knew I had a lot of things to do in the evening, I was supposed to get a new kitchen floor, I had my first observation at work, and just the normal work week stuff.  I still made an effort to get to the gym on Monday afternoon after the chiropractor.  That is such a change from last year.  If I had something to do after school, I would use that as an excuse to not exercise.  The problem is, rest days became more and more frequent until I reached the point I hit in January.   So, now when I have an appointment after school, I run home, change in to gym clothes and take everything I need with me.  That way, I don't have an excuse to go home and get comfortable.  So far, it's worked.

On Tuesday, I was supposed to get a new kitchen floor.  It's a long story that I won't bore you with but, suffice to say, it's free because there were some errors when my new fridge was delivered.  Turns out, my floor was still wet underneath what they were ripping up so they couldn't install my new floor.  The old me would have been so upset, probably cried and just been mad at the world.  Now, knowing I would have plywood in my kitchen for the next 2 weeks, although frustrating, I just went with the flow the best I could.  I knew it would eventually be fixed.  Besides that, it's completely out of my control, so why get upset??

I made an effort to get out for a walk that afternoon before heading out to an evening commitment.  It's amazing how good I feel after getting some fresh air.  Wednesday was a long day with conferences from 330-7.  However, I was determined to still make myself a priority.  I had a plan for lunch and dinner and I managed to get a short walk in when I got home.  Felt great to stretch my legs and just breathe after a long day of work.  I think I've said this before but, don't look at exercise as a chore or something else you have to do - look at it as time for yourself.  Wait a minute, that sounds really familiar.... I'm pretty sure someone has said that to me more times than I can count.... Guess she's right - as usual :)

The week was only half over and there was still so much more to enjoy - it's so fun to be able to say that on a consistent basis!

Scars, Wounds, Healing and Enjoying Life

A weekend in the middle of September... I'd had a super busy day on Saturday but enjoyed every second of it.  I was looking forward to meeting up with Renee' for a walk on Sunday morning.  When she pulled up in the parking lot she said she hardly recognized me because I look so skinny.  I just smiled and said I'm not skinny but thanks :)  She makes me think about things I would never allow to enter my mind on my own.  And I need that.  Having someone challenging me to keep stepping out of my comfort zone has been a key part of the success I've found in rebuilding my life over the last 8 months.  What's been even better?  She keeps pushing me but still lets me do things at my own pace.

It's so funny how we just talk and it doesn't even feel like we're getting exercise at the same time.  We walked for over an hour and eventually sat down and kept talking for awhile.  I told her some more things about scars that I have and she said something that will stick with me forever.  I can't repeat it exactly like she said it (I'm not as good with words) but it was something to the effect of - scars can be painful reminders or beautiful symbols of what we've overcome.  Although I'm still working on it every day, I want my scars to be beautiful symbols of all the hardships I've found my way through.  Without these scars, I wouldn't be who I am today.  And I'm starting to see I'm a pretty great person, scars and all!

The rest of the day was going to be busy.  I am lucky enough to be able to spend a lot of time babysitting my niece and nephew.  I cherish the time I get to spend with them and I love being a part of their lives.  A year ago, my idea of being a part of their lives was to sit around and watch TV and maybe go in the basement and play a game with my nephew.  Now, I love being active with them.  That day I took them to the park, we played on the playground, did some swinging and then walked a little bit on the path.  We even had "races" and I lost each time.  But, they loved every second of it.  A year ago, I would have been exhausted after just 15 minutes.  Now, sometimes I'm the one with more energy!!  We tried to take a "selfie" after our races - didn't turn out the best but I still love them :)

We ended up at Skyline for lunch and the french fries I ordered for the kids didn't even tempt me.  Of course, my niece enjoyed them and her ketchup a little too much... But it made me laugh!!  And yes, she has ketchup in her nose!!

These two (along with my other niece) are a big part of the healing I've been able to do.  They don't have any kind of preconceived notion of who I am or who I used to be.  In fact, I told my nephew how much weight I'd lost (at that point, 83 pounds) and he opens his eyes and mouth real wide and says, that's a lot Mimi.  It's fun for me to have him watch me make my life better.  He remembers when I was "wide" (that's what he used to call me when we would try to go on rides together).  Although he meant nothing by it, let me tell you, it feels amazing that he doesn't tell me I'm wide anymore :)  He's watched me change my life and I know he sees a happier and healthier Aunt Mimi appear in front of his eyes.

My journey is worth it in so many ways but I will say that seeing my differences through his eyes is one of the best rewards I can receive.

I'm so blessed - and it just keeps getting better!