My Choice

Almost every day I have people ask me random questions that center around the same theme. The most visible evidence of the changes I have made in my life is the weight loss.  But, this journey is about so much more than that for me.  I've written a little about these ideas in previous entries but, as I get ready to start my summer break, I thought it would be a good time to write some more thoughts so that, maybe, I can help others who find themselves in the same position I was in a couple of years ago.

Why?
Well, why not?  I had nothing to lose (other than weight) by jumping in with both feet.  I mean, hey, I don't think I could have been anymore down on myself, my life, my world than I was a year and a half ago.  So, either I needed to make a change or I would just continue to be sad all the time.  I look back on that now and can't believe I wasted so much time being sad.  But, depression is real.  And it's different for everyone.  For me, I think there were various times in my life when I was slightly depressed but found ways to climb out of it.  This time, I just couldn't seem to find my way out on my own.  With a lot of help, I feel 1000x better than I did a year and a half ago.  I am weaning myself off another medication and I am happier than I ever thought possible.  It is possible to beat this stuff.  You just have to figure out what the root of the problem is and what works for you.

How?
By figuring out what makes me happy.  By finding self confidence (which I still struggle with daily).  By not taking myself, or life, too seriously.  By taking pride in what I achieve.  By putting myself out there, no matter how difficult it might be.  By finding friends I never thought I'd be lucky enough to meet or have things in common with.  I mean, for those who know me, sports are not my strength.  I don't mind watching them but I am not what one would call athletic by any stretch of the imagination.  But, I've found things I enjoy and I even try things that I know are not my strength and have fun doing them.  (ie. soccer....).  And some of my closest friends now are athletes... turns out we have a lot in common!  Probably the simplest answer to this question is this - By living my life.

And one question I think many people are interested in knowing the answer to but may feel weird asking is - If you had to pick one thing about this journey that is the best / biggest accomplishment / or whatever, what would it be?
     One word.  Happiness.  I think that simple word encompasses everything I have accomplished in the last year and a half.  I run around with Coop, Chloe and Emma.  I'm almost always smiling.  I love my job and have the best co-workers.  And, yes, I will always love naps and the time I spend being lazy.  But, being around people is the biggest part of happiness.  I get energy from my friends and family.  I want to be out and about, among the living.  

 I think about these things on a daily basis.  I've made a choice to change my life.  The results have been greater than I could have ever wished or hoped for in my wildest dreams.  Although the weight loss is still the most visible change, I have so many people who comment on how happy I look.  For the first time in more years than I can remember (probably since I was a kid), I am completely content with my life.  What an incredible gift.  It's something I work for every day.  And, let me tell you, it's worth every second of the work I put in to make a better life for myself.

What defines us is how we rise after falling.

Owning My Story

According to Google, this is my 150th blog post.  Never thought I'd have that much to say.  To anyone.  Let alone anyone who is interested enough to do a search on Google and find this blog :) 

But, writing is like therapy for me.  I have trouble expressing myself if I don't have time to think about what I want to say.  So, with writing, I can take the time to think about what I want to say and then express myself.  Thanks for taking an interest in my story :)  It means more to me than anyone will ever know.  

So, with that, here's what inspired me today - 

For so long, I was never proud of my life story.  If anything, I regretted so many things and focused on the negative.  As I've gone through this process of changing my life, I've accepted who I am, where I've been and, hopefully, where I'm going in the future.  Just as this quote says, I honestly believe this is one of the bravest things I've done.  By owning where I've been in life, decisions I've made, experiences I've had, etc., I've come such a long way in discovering who I am.  And who I want to be.  Yeah, I know, lots of people figure that out well before I have at the age of 34 but, I'm okay with it.  Because, obviously I wasn't meant to discover all of this until now.  

I love myself.  Sure, I have days where I struggle.  I'm human.  But, when you finally discover all the wonderful things about yourself, you'll slowly learn how amazing it feels when you love who you are and who you hope to continue to be as life continues.

When you are finally willing to take pride in who you are and the life you've created for yourself, you'll be astonished at how your life changes for the better.  Owning my story allows me to really connect with the second quote that inspired me today - 

My shell is my happy place.  It's my comfort.  And that's okay.  Sometimes. If you ever see me among a group of people that I don't know, you would probably think, 'does she ever speak?'.  The answer to that would be yes.  I am definitely a shy person.  At first.  I think it relates back to my childhood and, more so, to my entire life and the issues I've had with people I trusted not turning out to be the people I needed them to be.  Or expected them to be.  So, it takes me awhile to open up.  However, once I do, I think you'd be amazed at how my personality shines through.  I LOVE to laugh.  Finding humor in every day life is a must for me.  I am an open book.  Ask me a question and you'll get an honest answer.  Sometimes a long winded one.  It depends on the situation.  As I've gone through this life changing journey, I've learned how to open myself up a little more.  I think a big part of that is because I'm happy.  When you are happy with yourself and your life, comfort and happiness will shine through even when you don't realize it.

If I had to pick one thing my friendship with Renee' has taught me over the last year and a half, it's this.  For so long (most of my adult life), I never thought I had anything to offer the world.  Sure, I hoped I was making a difference in the lives of the kids I worked with but, other than that, why was my life important?  Yes, I asked myself that question A LOT.  More than I should have.  And more than I think anyone, even my family realizes.  When you find true friends, people who want to see you happy, help you find ways to be your best and so much more, you begin to see all that you have to offer the world.  My family always tried to tell me that and, although I trust all of them, I didn't always believe them.  I mean, they are my family, they're supposed to say that, right?  Throughout the last year and a half, I've (slowly) discovered that I have many gifts to offer the world.  I guess I needed to see that through the eyes of someone who hasn't known me or my family my whole life.  Who knows about my life and past experiences simply by talking to me and waiting to hear my answers.  

There's something inside everyone that the world needs.  For some of us, it just takes a little longer to figure out what that is.  In fact, I'm still trying to figure it out.  Maybe it will change from day to day, week to week, etc.  But, one thing I am sure of, I want to help other people find the happiness and inner peace I feel now.  I know how it feels to be at rock bottom.  It's possible to find your way out.  Just look around you.  And open yourself up to new people and new experiences.  You'll be amazed at what you find.  In others and in yourself.

Taking A Chance

If there's nothing else that I've learned over the past 16 months, it's that you have to take chances to get the life that you want. I don't think I could possibly list all of the times I've learned that lesson since I started this adventure.  But, there is definitely one chance that, as the school year wraps up, stands out to me.

I think it was almost exactly a year ago that Kira (who I just knew through work and Butler Tech) mentioned to me that there would be an opening for a guidance counselor at Fairfield High School the following year.  As soon as I heard that, I was immediately intrigued but scared at the same time. 

 If you've gotten nothing else from this blog, you've probably figured out that I am a creature of comfort.  And I am not a big fan of change.  I was finishing up my 9th year at the job I'd had since I finished grad school.  I was very lucky to have the job and get to do what I went to school for but, for several reasons, I wasn't happy anymore.  So, when I learned of this job opening, I thought, I wonder what would happen if I applied?  I hadn't been actively looking for a new job but, right from the beginning, it just felt right.  Of course, I needed some reassurance that I wasn't crazy.  After all, I was very secure in the job I had and, as a single person, stability is a big selling point for me.  But, as I had slowly learned over the last 4 months (at that point), staying in the same place doesn't always mean happiness.  So, I talked to the people I trust most in the world.  My siblings (who always want me to be happy and work in education so I knew they had informed opinions) and Renee', who, at that point, had already become someone I could bounce things off of and not feel crazy.  I knew she'd tell me the truth without any bias and make me think about things that I may not have thought about, good or bad.  

As you can probably guess, I decided to go for it and apply.  As Renee' said, what's the worst that could happen?  And you'll never know if you don't try.  Maybe I just needed to hear that from someone other than my own thoughts.  Either way, it was the push I needed to write a new resume' and submit the application.  Now, all I could do was wait.  And, if nothing happened, at least I had made an effort.  

As luck would have it, I got an interview and it went well.  I was offered the job and, without any hesitation, I accepted it.  As I said before, it just felt right.  In more ways than I could describe.  I shared the news with my family and a friend or two ;)  

I went in to my new school to meet some people and see my office.  I immediately felt at home.  The people I met the first day were so nice and welcoming.  What an amazing feeling.  I knew the chance I had taken was going to pay off.  I'm just not sure I could have imagined how much it would pay off.  I love going to work.  Sure, there are days when I'm tired.  But, in the end, I love my job and the kids I am lucky enough to work with everyday.  The best part is that I have become great friends with my co-workers.  They make me laugh every single day.  They make work fun.  I can't remember the last time I spent so much time smiling at work.  

It's difficult to imagine how different things would be if I hadn't applied for the job.  Thankfully, I don't have to think that way.  Because I took the chance.  And the results have been better than I ever could have imagined.   To everyone I work with on a daily basis - Thank you for making my first year at Fairfield one of the best I've ever had!  Nancy, Kira, Kelli, Marilyn, Tracy, Linda and Russ - I feel lucky to work with all of you on a daily basis - Thanks for making the chance I took one of the best decisions I've ever made :)

And so, the picture below seems to be an appropriate ending to this entry - 

Little Things Can Make the Biggest Difference

At times, I want to write a blog entry but I'm not sure what to write about.  Tonight is one of those times.  

I will say, although many of the big changes are no longer happening on a regular basis, I am seeing so many little things that allow me to see how far I've come in the last 16 months.  Some of those are listed below with a little insight into how they made me feel or what they've helped me see.  

1. Looking through pictures on my phone (see below) with my 2.5 year old niece on Saturday.  She sees one of me from a little over 2 years ago and says, "who's that?".  

          I mean, I'm not sure anyone could even begin to imagine what that felt like.  I will say, there was a little mixture of emotions.  I said, 'you don't remember Mimi like that, do you?'.  When she said no, I immediately realized the impact of the transformation I've made.  Don't get me wrong, I see it every day when I look in the mirror.  But, now as I looked at through the eyes of a toddler, basically someone who didn't know me when I was that other person, it's just another confirmation of the all around transformation.  The mixture of emotions that came through when I realized how much time I spent being unhappy was something I hadn't felt often.  I can't describe what it's like to be happy when you've spent so much time on the other side of the spectrum.  

         To realize that Chloe (and Emma) will never know that person is an amazing feeling.  To know that Cooper watched me change my life and is still watching me as I accomplish all new things.  Wow, I can't put that into words.  When the girls get older, I can share my journey with them.  Show them what's it's like to be a girl and to find ways to believe in yourself.  That it's not all about being skinny.  It's about being healthy - physically, mentally and emotionally. Given that I work with high school kids every day, I know this is something that is difficult for many teenagers.  And it starts very early in life.  I want to be that support for them.  Because, without even knowing it, they've been supporting me since the day they were born.  When I was struggling, they gave me a reason to smile.  I want to help all 3 of them navigate life, share my experiences and be someone they can count on if/when they need something.  

          By the way - here's the second half of the picture Chloe was looking at - 

2.  Another little thing - last summer (and for most of my life) you would have been hard pressed to find me in a pair of shorts.  I've never been a big fan of shorts.  I don't like my legs and, given that I spent most of my life overweight, they weren't comfortable and my legs were always rubbing together, making me even more uncomfortable than I already was.  So, I met my family at a park on Sunday and thought, I'll just throw some shorts and a tank top on.  First, I couldn't believe that thought was entering my mind.  Second, I actually had a pair to put on!  So, I went to the park and, as I'm walking the dog around with my family, my mom asks me if I think my legs are getting smaller.  Of course I said no.  I have trouble seeing any of those kinds of changes.  I should have measured certain parts of my body but I never thought about it til recently.  Then I realized I don't have a tape measure.... Guess I could go buy one...but that's another story.  I guess they could be getting smaller.  I mean, I have no idea how to judge that.  But, I will say, when she said it and Kristin agreed with her, I started smiling even more than I was because we were having fun.  Although I'm still not sprinter (and never will be), I can run short distances with the dog and not fall over.  The shorts are just another little thing that allow my confidence to continue to grow.  And I wore another pair today.

To be able to find joy in all the small things in life is an enormous gift.  One that I don't intend to take for granted.  Ever.  Because I spent too many years looking for sadness, finding way too much of it and allowing it to consume my life.  Take it from me, life is much better when you're happy.

It's still amazing to me that the little things have taught me more than the big changes I've made or accomplishments I've seen throughout this process.  I've said before that weight loss was the catalyst that started me on this ever changing journey.  Still crazy to me is how much else has changed simply because I've learned how to believe in myself.  And because I finally understand that I have a lot of people in my corner that I can count on for help, advice and to cheer me on.  You know who you are.  Thanks for being my support system.  I couldn't have done this without any of you. 

Still Fighting...

I love the person I have become because I fought to become her.

And I'm still fighting ....

Sometimes the journey of the last 16 months is difficult to put into words.  In fact, a lot of times it is.  But, I am going to give it my best shot.

On a regular basis I have people ask me questions about the enormous changes I've made in my life or, if they've recently entered my life, people have trouble believing how much of a different person I was.  Sometimes it's strange to me to think back and remember that so many people that are so important in my life these days weren't around me two years ago.  

My life has done a complete 180 in the last 16 months.  I've fought for every single thing that has happened, that I've achieved and milestone that I have experienced.  

As I'm sure we all have, I have fought many lifelong battles with myself.  I definitely think the most significant battles I've fought have occurred within the last year and a half of my life.  I could have just kept going on with life the way it was at the beginning of 2013.  I was sad, lonely, felt disconnected, wasn't overly happy at work and had just lost my passion, my happiness, for living life.  It would have been easy (so to speak) to keep living that way.  It would have been the easy way to go.  

Instead, I decided to fight.  And, that meant taking a lot of scary steps.  Recognizing I needed help and reaching out to get that help was the first and most significant obstacle for me.  In general, I think asking for help is difficult for almost everyone.  We all want to think we can do everything on our own.  I'll be the first one to tell you, this adventure is something I never could have done on my own.  I'm still getting help.  Just in different ways.  

I had to make the decision to fight my way through the grocery store (and, yes, I'm serious when I say fight),.  I chose to battle exercising.  Try new things, be sore, laugh at myself, go to the gym instead of taking a nap, and so much more.  

Most importantly, I decided to fight myself.  That may sound weird.  But, if you know me at all or have read this blog, it makes sense.  For so long, I retreated inside myself.  It's where I felt safe.  It's where I still feel safe.  But, everyday I fight to take another step towards my future.  Some days are better than others.  However, for the most part, I love taking those steps.  They make me feel brave.  And smart.  And like I have accomplished something I never thought was possible.  Happiness.   

I have days that I want to give up.  That I want to be able to eat whatever I want, just lay on the couch and sleep or not try to figure out what those darn recipes are talking about.  But, then I look at everything I've fought for, everything I've achieved, everything I've accomplished and I snap out of that mindset pretty quick. 

The best part of this whole journey?  Now, I get to help others.  Most of the time I don't even know I'm helping someone else.  In fact, I still find it bizarre when people tell me I inspire them.   I mean, who would have ever thought the quiet girl who walked with her head down in the hallway at school, preferred to read books than to play outside, the one who always wanted to (and still does want to) blend into the background / not be in the middle of a crowd. and the girl who never wanted to go out would be the one who, in her mid 30's, finally found herself.  And now enjoys being around people.  

I have many daily struggles with all of this.  But, they get easier everyday.  And they are a little less heavy on my shoulders every night when I go to bed than they were when I woke up that morning.  

Although she still doesn't take credit, I have one person to thank for all of this.  I found a quote earlier this week that I sent to her because it immediately made me think of the impact she's had on my life and continues to have on a daily basis.  It said - "My friend gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person.  She believed in me".  If Renee' hadn't believed in me and everything she says she knew I could do, I don't think I would be where I am today.  I'll always be fighting for the life I want.  And working to step outside my comfort zone.  But, I've learned I have to take it one step at a time.  One day at a time.  And, know what?  That's okay.  We all move at our own speed.  And so, this seems to be an appropriate way to end this entry - 

The key to victory is believing you have a life worth fighting for.  

I do.  And so does everyone who reads this :) 

Being There for Others

I posted this on Facebook this morning and, as I thought about it, I love it so much that I thought it would make a good starting point for a new blog.

There are so many people who have made a difference in my life during the 34 years I've been around.  I have had countless teachers, friends, neighbors, mentors, bosses, etc that, in one way or another, have had an impact on my life.  I wouldn't be the person I am without all of those people.  And, I can safely say that although I may have thought so (and still do), they may not have fit the textbook definition of brilliant, rich, beautiful or perfect.  But, in my mind, they all fit my definitions of those words.

     Brilliant - The dictionary would probably say the definition of this is book smart.  However, I think brilliant means that you are smart enough to know who needs you and when.  You know what to say and what not to say. You're just there when someone needs you with no questions asked.  The brilliant people are the ones who make this a world worth living in.

     Rich - This word often defines those who have a lot of money.  And, while that is definitely a valid meaning of the word, there are so many other ways to be rich.  You can be rich with wonderful people, experiences and many other things.  You can be rich in the ways you approach situations and deal with others.  And, certainly you can be rich in what receive by giving to others.  

     Beautiful - Inner beauty means so much more to me than outer beauty.  However, I often find that those who are beautiful on the inside, have beauty radiating on the outside.  

    Perfect - No one is perfect.  It's what makes us all human.  But, certain people are meant to cross paths and, often, for one reason or another, those people are perfect for each other.  Either for a short period of time or as a lasting friendship.  

But, the part of this that really tugged at my heart is the last part - You just have to care enough and be there. 

There's something to be said for being there for someone.  Everyone (me included) gets wrapped up in their own lives.  We wouldn't be human if we didn't.  But, when someone takes a moment to tell you they appreciate you.  Or to send a compliment your way, it can make a much bigger difference than you realize.  Some people don't have a lot of positive things to look forward to in life.  When you can get someone to smile, it might be one of the only times that person feels happy.  I've been there.  I know what it feels like when you don't feel like anyone notices you.  Even if it isn't true.  I am so blessed now.  And, I can see I always have been.  I just needed to find someone who I knew cared enough and has the ability to help me see that.  I am lucky to call her one of my best friends now.  

Take a moment today and reach out to someone.  Show them you care.  Even if you can't physically be there, they will know you are there in spirit and will always be someone they can lean on in good and bad times.  You never know what kind of a difference it will make in that person's day.  Trust me, it means more than you'll ever know.

Flying Pig 2014

I've said before that I've never been a runner.  I don't get a lot of enjoyment out of it like some people do.  I have yet to experience that "runner's high".  But, I am figuring out that I am capable of more than I thought when it comes to running.  If someone had told me a year ago that I would be challenging myself to run in a 10k (6.2 miles), I would have laughed and said, there's no way I would ever be able to run a mile, let alone 6!

When I did a 10K back in October, I don't think I thought it through completely.  I had just done my first 5K and hadn't even been able to run all of that.  But, I had already signed up so I gave it a try.  I think if I combined it all, I probably ran 3 or so miles and walked the rest of it.  I wasn't overly happy with myself but I finished in an hour and 15 minutes and, just the fact that I finished made me extremely proud of myself!

So, fast forward to the beginning of January this year as I was trying to come up with goals for the year.  I thought, maybe I'll give another 10K a try.  So, before I could change my mind, I signed up for the Flying Pig 10K.  I'd been told it was fun and the course wasn't too hilly which was a huge selling point for me.  Me and hills do not get along very well!  Now, when I signed up, I was under no illusion that I would be able to run the whole thing.  But, I wanted to see how much of it I could run.  I didn't actually follow a training program.  I did a lot of running on the treadmill because of the horrible winter we had.  Once spring finally arrived in Ohio, I got outside as much as I could and proved to myself over and over again that I could run.  And faster than I ever thought possible.  The most I ever ran at one time was 4 miles and that was pushing it but I figured I would be able to run a majority of race.  In the weeks leading up to the race many people asked me if I had a goal - My response - just to beat my time from October.  

I hadn't been able to find anyone to go with me so I had planned to do everything by myself.  But, then, my amazing sister decided on Thursday that she would go with me :)  I was so excited to have someone there to support me, start the race with and meet up with at the finish line!  I'm not sure she knows how much that meant to me.  We got to talk a lot on the way down and while waiting for the race to start.  It was a cool but gorgeous day.  

Once the race started she took off (which I was fine with and told her to do) and I got started.  What an amazing feeling as I kept passing people throughout the first mile!  I was keeping my own time on my watch and, when I got to the first mile, I glanced down at my watch and it said 10:01.  I had never run that fast in my life!  I made it a little past mile 3 before I stopped to walk some.  I probably could have gone a little further but I wanted to be able to run more towards the end and I was trying to pace myself.  I allowed myself to walk for 5 minutes (which included a hill) and then I ran for another 5 minutes before walking up another hill for 2 minutes.  After that I ran for a decent amount of time.  The only other walking I did was for a few minutes up the last hill.  I ran the rest of the way - including the last 1.2 miles.  That's where I think the mental stuff is the hardest for me.  I wanted to stop and walk.  I was tired, sweaty, etc.  But, I also knew that I would be so mad at myself if I did walk at that point.  So, I kept going.  I also knew I had a shot at beating the time I had put for my finish time (1:10).  Crossing the finish line was so fun!  And when I looked at my watch, I had beat the time I had in October by 10 minutes!  One hour and 5 minutes for 6.2 miles.  If I had to guess, I would say I ran about 5 miles of it.  Most I've ever run at one time!

After the finish line, I started looking for my sister and, when I found her, it was so fun to see how excited she was for me!  And, she did great and got a personal best!  I think she finished in 47 minutes!  As we made our way back to the car, I reflected a little bit on how much had changed in a year.  Last year, I walked the half marathon with my mom and we finished in a little over 3.5 hours.  If I do the math, that was probably about 16 minute miles.  This year, although not as far, with the walking included, my pace was 10:34!  Running wise, I think I did a little under 10:30 miles.  And that's all in just one year.  Absolutely crazy!  

It was a wonderful experience and I would definitely do it again.  Having my sister there made it even better!  I made her take a before and after picture - And I was still breathing and didn't look dead!

Before

After

And - I found my results on the website - Have to say, I'm pretty proud of myself!

I think this quote describes the experience perfectly - 

Everything you need is already inside.