The Emotional Side of Weight Struggles

I was watching The Biggest Loser the other night and this entry just started formulating in my head.  At the end of last season, the show got a bad rap for how far the winner went to win.  And, I shared the viewpoint of many.  But, if you look at the big picture, the show has helped millions change their lives.  Yes, the people who are contestants on the show.  But, also those who are inspired by seeing the success these people find.  I used to sit and watch the show and think, man, I wish I could do that.  There were times I would be trying to lose weight while watching it and others when I would sit there with a bag of M&M's and think that maybe, just maybe, someday I'll figure this out.  I knew I was eating out of boredom.  And for comfort.

It's been almost 20 months since I started an adventure to change my life.  And, I've been successful.  For the first time ever, I am figuring out why I turn to food for comfort.  And other ways I can cope without turning to food.  I believe I watch this show from a very different perspective now.  I am no longer the one who wishes she could lose the weight.  I'm the one who understands where these people are.  And the success and happiness they have the ability to find.  

I'm lucky.  I have access to someone with endless knowledge about food, fitness, nutrition and, well, honestly, someone who figured me out long before I figured myself out.  Support is huge in this process.  Not everyone has that.  And that's often why people don't find success with weight loss.  I know it's why I struggled for most of my life.  

The other reason people often struggle with weight loss?  The emotional piece.  I believe this is a much bigger piece than who or what resources you have access to for assistance.  As I watched the show this week, it was evident that many of the contestants were being challenged about what got them to the place they are now.  Indirectly, I was asked the same question when I started my journey.  I was asked questions that made me think.  That made me really try to get inside my own head and figure out why food was such a comfort for me.  Obesity has a huge mental component to it.  It leads to many physical ailments but the mental piece is often what leads you to that place.  

I know that was the case for me.  Food was, quite simply, always there.  Nothing else was.  Don't get me wrong, I am extremely blessed with the most amazing family.  But they've never really understood why eating made me feel better.  How could I expect them to understand if I didn't have it figured out?  My triggers definitely center around not feeling important.  And whether or not I matter to anyone besides my family.  At times, I wondered if I mattered to them.  Those triggers were becoming more and more frequent in my life.  And, while I didn't enjoy it, I didn't know how to stop it.  

To be successful in finding health, you have to be willing to work on yourself.  You have to be willing to make a commitment to making smarter decisions for yourself (and your family).  It's not easy.  Even when you get to a point where you are happy with your weight, the work is far from over.  It's a lifestyle change.  It has to be.  If you look around, it's easy to eat junk.  It's cheap, it's quick and usually tastes good.  But, what about what you're doing to the inside of your body?  It may not affect you now.  But, it will in the future.  No one can make you do something you don't want to do.  Or something you aren't ready to commit to.  I had reached a breaking point.  I needed to make a change or who knows what would have happened.  It's a decision I continue to make every day.  And, some days are better than others.

Finding happiness is a lifelong process.  It's something I work on every day.  Whatever my weight is on any given day, it does not equal happiness.  Every day I make a choice to keep looking and striving for the life I want to have.  Honestly, I still don't have a real clear picture of what it is I'm looking for.  But, I have figured out that I have to step out among the living to figure it out.  And, finally, I'm ready to do it.  It's been an extremely slow process.  Especially for those who have been there forever.  I have trust issues.  That makes it difficult to open up to people.  My invisible scars hide a lot of pain that I've experienced in my life.  I've been, for lack of a better word, screwed by lots of people I thought were my friends.  I believe I finally have a good balance of people in my life. Full of support when I need it, ass kicking when I need it and, most importantly, full of belief in me and the person that I am becoming and will continue to grow into as the years go on.  My triggers, trust issues and insecurities still surface.  More often than I'd like them to.  I told my sister last week that they are the one thing I hate about myself.  She stopped me and said, you can't hate anything about yourself.  Everything about you is a piece of you. Makes you who you are.  Inside and out.  Those words gave me perspective.  Sometimes you just need to talk to someone who will listen with an open mind, not judge and help you see things in a way you couldn't find on your own.  It changed the way I thought about what I was struggling with at the time.  And, I ended up feeling much more like myself after the conversation and ever since.   

"Desperation to lose weight might bring you to the start..... but knowing your why will keep you going."

Concentrate on finding your goal, then concentrate on reaching it.

My "Why" is Health and Happiness :)  And I know I am on my way to finding both :) 

Happiness, Confidence and Chances

The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are.  The second greatest is being happy with what you find.

As I continue on this journey we call life, I have my difficult times just like anyone else.  The last few weeks have been a little challenging for me, as I wrote about last week. Throughout this entire process, I've had to do more soul searching than I ever thought I would feel the need to do.  What motivates me?  Who do I want to be?  What do I want out of my life?  

The weight loss was a gigantic first step for me.  It has allowed me to feel confident about myself.  I don't mean that weight loss is the only way to find confidence in yourself because nothing could be further from the truth.  But, for me, it's been a huge piece of finding that confidence.  Honestly, I've never been comfortable in my own skin.  There are things I've always wanted to do, to try but I always felt that my weight was a huge barrier to experiencing different things in life.  Because I couldn't understand why anyone would want to be around a girl who couldn't figure out why food was such a comfort which led to not taking good care of herself.  Which, of course, leads to that whole depression thing and not wanting to be around others because you don't see what you bring to the lives of those you encounter.  This is something I still struggle with on a daily basis.  Because I have so many insecurities and trust issues from being burned in my past, I question people and their motives.  Then I question myself.  Granted, it happens much less often than it used to which I am oh so thankful for.  I have a confidence I never knew existed.  But I'm still building it and figuring out who I am step by step.  At times, I wish that process could be a hell of a lot faster.  After all, I'm 34.  Most people don't think they will still be figuring all of this out in their mid-thirties.  

One thing that has helped me immensely is being able to talk to other people about where I am at and how I am feeling.  I am enormously guilty when it comes to bottling things up inside of myself.  I mean, if I bury them deeply enough, they won't affect me, right?  Wrong!  Eventually it leads to an explosion of emotion that I don't always know how to handle.  My sister is, quite literally, my best friend in the world.  Of course we have our disagreements but there isn't anyone out there who gets where I come from more than she does.  We grew up together and she has always been there for me in ways I can't even describe.  And, through a great conversation with her this weekend, I realized a few things and felt so much better about where I am heading in life.  My cousin Mere is another one of those people in my life who seems to just get me.  We were able to finally have some catch up sessions over the last few days and, to be honest, I have absolutely no idea how long we talked on the phone. We are cut from the same cloth and she helps me see things in ways I don't think I could on my own.  

So, to answer the questions I asked at the beginning of this - 

1. What motivates me?

My family.  Some people may find it strange that I am with my family so much.  My nieces and nephew are my whole world.  And, I'm pretty certain, they love Aunt Mimi in ways I don't even realize.  When they run up to me and give the greatest hugs every time I see them, it just melts my heart.  And makes me so grateful that we live so close to each other.  My parents, my brother, my sister and, of course, their spouses, are also amazing blessings in my life.  I want to be happy and healthy for them.  But, most importantly I want to be happy and healthy for myself.

2.  Who do I want to be?

Ya know, I'm still figuring this one out.  And I know it's going to be a process.  And, every day, I become more okay with that.  I just know I want to be happy and find people to share my life with.  That might mean a great group of friends or it might mean a future husband.  

3. What do I want out of my life?

Pretty simple - happiness.  But, when you think about it, that's a huge task.  I know I am going to have days and times where I feel down.  And that's okay.  Everyone goes through times like that.  But, I want the happy times to far outweigh the sad times.  And, I know I am well on my way to making that happen.  

This week, my friend Kira invited me to go to church with her.  I went to church growing up but, honestly, I never really connected with it.  So, as I've grown older, I've just stepped away from it.  In some ways, I do believe I've been mad at God for quite awhile.  Because I didn't think my life was what I wanted.  So, this was a huge step for me.  Something completely different from the way I was raised and with people I don't really know.  I really enjoyed it.  And I will go back.  Maybe not every week.  Or, maybe I will.  While these may seem like small things, these types of steps are huge for me.  They are evidence of how much I've grown and how far I've come in a relatively short amount of time.  

Realizing that I have a lot to offer to the people I encounter in this life is an amazing gift.  

And I look forward to all the steps I will keep taking.  No matter how difficult it is.  And, if you know me at all, they will be difficult but necessary steps and changes in my life.

Love yourself first and everything else falls in line.  You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.

They Can't All Be Wrong...

The past week has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster.  Not necessarily in a bad way.  Just a lot of things bouncing around in my brain because of some very legitimate questions that were raised to me.  

I am definitely the kind of person that internalizes things, pushes them down and just, in general, tries to not deal with or face things that are difficult or uncomfortable.  It's always been "easier" for me to just pretend like difficult stuff doesn't exist.  Then I don't have to face it.

That's what got me to the point I found myself in January of 2013.  I used food to medicate and make myself feel better whenever I was struggling.  One of the realizations I came to over the last week is this: "I don't really know who I am if I'm not struggling with my weight".  That may sound crazy.  And believe me, it's taken me a very long time to come to that realization.  Weight has always been a struggle for me.  It has defined my life for as long as I can remember.  I was on my first "diet" when I was 11.  And, I was successful at losing weight.  But, I never stuck with it.  After all, how does an 11 year old stick with a "diet"?  And, so, I gained it all back plus some.  So began the lifelong process of yo-yo diets, losing weight and feeling good about myself, gaining it all back (plus some) and being mad at myself, etc.  This cycle has continued for 20 years.  

When I first acknowledged that there was a significant issue that I actually needed to address, I felt lost.  I didn't know where to start but I figured my health and weight were a good place to begin.  Having someone from the outside step in, take an interest in me, my health and my goals and actually ask me about more than my weight was the first step.  But, as I usually do, I was immediately focused on the weight piece.  Because, it's something I can see, progress is easy to define and I don't really have to do anything too scary to work on it.  (Unless the grocery store counts...)  I can't count the amount of time Renee' spent pushing me to do things I didn't want to do.  Well, I think, deep down, I wanted to do them but was scared to death.  Finally understanding, accepting and believing that I had people to turn to made it just a little easier to take those steps each time.  

And, although, I've made more progress than I could ever write about, I'm still struggling.  I need to figure out who I am without weight issues.  What defines me.  I got lazy the last couple of months.  And, deep down, I was probably sabotaging myself in some way.  Going back to what I've always done.  Even though I don't want to go backwards.  I needed a kick in the ass.

Ask and you shall receive.  Just maybe not in the most up front way.  People can be tricky.  In good ways.  If I want to be healthy, I have to do it for myself.  No one can do it for me.  For me, being healthy is both the physical and the mental/emotional.  I need to find something that defines me.  I have several things that I love about my identity but I feel like there's something big missing.  Something that is just me.  And I'm not sure what that is or could be.  So, I've decided that is my next goal.  To figure it out.  To take small steps that require me to step out of my comfort zone even more than I already have.  One of my biggest struggles has always been believing I have something to add to a friendship, relationship, etc.  I've never believed in myself or what I have to offer.  So, that makes it difficult to find your place in the world.

As a good friend said this week, "I get exactly what you're saying.  You've conquered the weight loss, now what?".  Exactly.  Maybe that would include selling something, trying to figure out a way to use the personal training certification I worked towards to help others.  What else could it be?  I have no idea.  But, I do know I am so much more open to things than I was a year and a half ago.  

15 years ago, I never would have dreamed that at the age of 34 I'd still be figuring out this thing we call life.  Just goes to show you that you grow and change throughout your life.  My aunt is one of the smartest and most intuitive people I know and I am so lucky she is my family and one of my best friends.  And, when she said to me earlier this week "Have fun and be happy.  You are special! One day, you'll believe it.  You are loved by many and we can't all be wrong", it was exactly what I needed.  It's going to take me awhile to completely figure myself out.  And, I will need some help along the way.  But, there's nothing wrong with that.  If you're afraid to ask for help or guidance, you may never find all that's available in the world for you to experience.  

Life is scary.  But, when you accomplish things, it's an unbelievable feeling.  One that I want to keep experiencing.  

You make each day a special day.  You know how, by just your being you. 

- Mister Rogers

Paying it Forward

I've heard this phrase a few times in my life.  Most recently, at the opening day staff meeting where I work.  For some reason, it really resonated with me this time and has been bouncing around in my head for the last week.  And, if you've kept up with my story, you are familiar with what can happen when things bounce around in my head for awhile...

Paying it Forward - describing the beneficiary of a good deed repaying it to others instead of the original benefactor.

I've tried in many ways to explain what my experiences and friendship with Renee' have brought to my life.  But, I don't think words could ever do it justice.  I've tried to repay her for everything she has done but, honestly, I'll never be able to.  I mean, how do you repay someone who has literally helped you change your entire life and accepted every part of who you are even when you were at the lowest point ever?  Like I said, I don't think it's possible.  But, I like to try.  She says that just seeing me happy is enough.  I don't really understand how that could be true.  But, I do have some pretty random thoughts that are entertaining at times so, maybe that helps :) 

No matter what, I have become a firm believer in helping others.  It's always been a big part of who I am.  It's what I do for a living and, honestly, it's always been a huge part of my life.  I love seeing other people happy.  When it comes to changing my life, I am still astonished on a day to day basis with what I've been able to do.  With a lot of help and support.  I hope to be able to offer that to other people.  Because, if I can't repay Renee' for everything she's done for me (and continues to do), then I might as well help others see what it feels like to have someone care about you and your well being.  Because, I can say with 100% certainty that, if Renee' hadn't taken such an interest in me, I would not be where I am today.  

Life is a daily struggle for me.  Not just with weight.  With everything that has always made me so insecure.  Last week was rough.  I tried to use exercise as therapy.  And, at times, it worked.  Other times, not so much.  But, I got through it and I didn't (completely) revert to my old ways.  In my eyes, that's progress.  And, as someone who has learned a lot in the last year and a half, both about others and herself, just getting through difficult times without eating a gallon of ice cream and a large pizza is immense progress. 

So, how can I use this whole paying it forward thing?  I have no idea.  Maybe just being a friend to someone who needs it.  Or supporting someone who is trying to change his/her life.  I would hope that anyone I pay it forward to would want to do the same.  And, even as I sit here writing this, I'm thinking, hey, maybe I already have paid it forward in some ways.  I think me being happy and wanting to be around others has made a huge difference in the lives of my friends and family.  They don't worry about me (as much).  That's an incredible gift to those who love me.  Especially to those who stuck by me when I was at my lowest points.  

A year and a half ago, I could never have imagined that the beginning of a friendship would be the most incredible chance I ever took and have so many amazing rewards.  And so, I'll leave you with this - 

You'll never know what kind of a difference you can make in the life of someone you love.  Or, even, the life of someone you've never met that just needs some help.

My Thoughts on Depression

I've often said writing is like therapy to me.  It allows me to put my thoughts out there.  

The tragic death of Robin Williams has sparked a huge conversation about mental health.  Specifically depression as many sources say that he had been struggling with severe depression throughout the last few months.  Many people find it hard to comprehend how someone who had such a gift to entertain people, cared so much about every person he met and just had "everything" he could ever want could be fighting such an intense internal battle.  How could he hide it from the world?  I'm sure his close friends and family knew but the rest of the world?  His fans?  How could he hide something like that so well?

Well, clearly I did not know Robin Williams but, as someone who has struggled with depression, probably throughout more of my life than I ever realized at the time, I get it.  I understand why you hide it from the world.  I understand the inner struggle.  

If you've never experienced depression, it's difficult to describe what it feels like.  And it's not the same for everyone.  For me, there were several things that happened.  Nothing made me happy anymore.  I could put on a fake smile with the best of anyone.  Although the people who knew me best could see right through it.  I could feel myself being short with people I love.  I hid in my house when I didn't have to be at work.  I distanced myself from my friends.  I didn't feel like I brought any value to any relationship in my life.  It felt like there was this big cloud hanging over my head that never went away.  It weighed me down like you wouldn't believe.  And, yet, I wasn't willing to admit that something was wrong.  I was embarrassed.

After all, I work in a field that deals with mental health.  How could anything like this happen to me?  Because I'm human.  I think there is a genetic component to it in one way or another.  And, frankly, life hasn't always been real nice to me.  So, as I became more willing to admit that there was a problem, I was able to work my way through a lot of the feelings and emotions I had kept locked inside my head for so long.  The things that controlled me for years no longer had power anymore.  What a freeing feeling.  

I work with teenagers every day.  And, in the ten years I've been in my field, I've seen my fair share of depressed teenagers.  I think the most difficult thing for me is to see how much a stigma is still attached to the word 'depression'.  I mean, if a kid has a broken leg, you put a cast on it and it heals.  Just because you can't "see" depression doesn't mean the people who suffer from it don't need help.  In fact, because you can't see it, those people often need the most help.

If the people who love me hadn't reached out to me, I don't know where I would be today.  Depression is extremely treatable.  It has to be treated just like any other illness is treated.  I think my sister in law said it best - "sometimes, people just need a little help".  Finally, I'm not ashamed to admit I am one of those people.  It has made a world difference in my life, has allowed me to accomplish so many things, I can't even list them all.  Most importantly, it's allowed me to finally figure out what it feels like to be happy.

I don't pretend to understand everyone who struggles with depression.  It's different with everyone.  But, one thing is for sure, it's a silent disease that needs to lose the stigma attached to it.

If you think someone is struggling, reach out to them.  They may push you away.  Keep trying.  I pushed people away a lot before I finally caved.  It's often a defense mechanism.  You'll make a difference in more ways than you could possibly imagine.  

"See the light in others and treat them as if that is all you see"

RIP Robin Williams

Finding Confidence

I've written a lot about self-confidence and how that is something that has been such a struggle for me throughout my life.  It's been such a big part of the whole adventure I've been on to find myself.  

I have people ask me questions all the time.  I've written about that before.  I love it.  I am a completely open book about all of this.  I've even admitted on this blog that I've struggled with depression.  It's a big part of what brought me to my breaking point in January of 2013.  And it's a daily struggle.  Sometimes the smallest thing and set me back.  But, I can also climb right back out of that "hole" pretty fast.  I feel blessed that I've been able to figure out how to do that.

So much of this has to do with confidence.  In myself, in my family, in my friends and just people in general.  I have a difficult time trusting people.  I think my trust has just been broken too many times.  But, as I've figured out that the whole world isn't out to get me, I have more faith in people.  And I trust just a little easier with each day that passes because I have more faith in myself.

Another big part of that confidence has been sharing my story.  Sharing what I've learned.  What I continue to learn every day.  I learn things about myself, the world, exercise, and, of course, food.  I don't think I will EVER understand cooking.  It's way too complicated for me :)  But, that's another story.  

Throughout this adventure (and as it continues), I want to pay forward everything Renee' has done for me.  Especially since I'm not allowed to say thank you.  I think I am finally getting the chance to do that.  Over the last few weeks I've had a couple of people ask me for suggestions or little tips on things they can do to live a healthier lifestyle.  Every time someone asks me those types of questions, it surprises me.  I mean, clearly I am not an expert.  

But, I can relate.  I am someone who has been there.  More than once.  And it helps me stay on track when other people ask me to help them.  Allows me to remember (more than I already do), everything that I've done.  All I've accomplished.  And how much more is waiting out there for me. 

Helping others has boosted my confidence even more.  The fact that people turn to me for advice lets me see that there are so many things I am doing right.  It makes me feel successful in more ways that I can list.  And, best of all, it makes me happy that I can offer the kind of help to someone else that has been such an integral part of all my success over the last year and a half.  And, out of everything that happens in life, happiness is the most precious gift.  

To everyone who is, and continues to be, a huge part of my happiness, thank you.  My life wouldn't be what it is without all of you.  Thanks for helping me find the confidence I've been hiding for so long.  It's truly the greatest feeling.  I can't even begin to describe it.

This quote seems to describe perfectly how I feel about so many people in my life - 

Surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers, the believers, and thinkers, but most of all, surround yourself with those who see greatness within you, even when you don't see it in yourself.

Until next time - 

Amanda :) 

Right on Time

Kinda piggybacking off my previous entry.  It's all about the journey.  The adventure.  That's what this whole thing called life has become for me.  I used to just kinda float along.  No one ever really noticed me.  And I was okay with that.  As the above says - it's exactly what it needed to be.  For lots of reasons.  Some of which I still haven't figured out completely.  Maybe I never will.  And I have to be okay with that.  Because every single thing that occurs or has happened brought me to the current place in my life.  And, although I am still trying to change many things about my life, I know it will all happen when it's supposed to happen.  

Changing things in my life is not an easy process.  You'd probably say it's not easy for most people.  I think I might be kinda special in this department though.  I am so hesitant about things that are unknown to me.  As I said above, no one ever really noticed me.  It's completely bizarre to me that people notice me now. Heck, maybe they always did and I was just too down on myself to see it.  Either way, I'm thankful every day that I've found my way out of that dark hole.  

Everything happens for a reason.  And, although I may not ever understand why, I'm thankful every day for what I've experienced.  It's brought me to where I am today.  It's allowed me to rediscover my love for working with teenagers and helping them figure out their future plans.  It's allowed me to figure out so much about myself.  I have self confidence.  I smile.  Surprisingly, these are all things I never used to do.  

I hit a bit of a rough patch for a week or so over the summer.  It's not easy to admit that.  But, I am happy to say that, because of the strength I've found over the last year and a half, I was able to find my way out of it pretty quickly.  I knew it was okay to ask for help in sorting out what I was going through.  A couple of years ago, I would have just bottled it all up inside, eaten a few cookies and a gallon of ice cream and called it a day.  I would have pretended that everything was fine even though it wasn't.  Which brings me to this - 

It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now.  Truer words have never been spoken.  In addition to the above.  I still struggle with believing in myself.  And it amazes me on a regular basis that there are people who believe in me.  One random thing I noticed the other day - I was at an open house event, talking to someone and some random people that I believe know my brother waved and/or smiled at me.  Although they probably recognize me just from his games, it was a bit strange (to me) that they would acknowledge me.  Like I said before, I'm not used to being noticed.  Which is why I find it so weird when people use the word inspire and my name in the same sentence.  

One person in particular constantly challenges me to keep making changes so I can become the best version of myself.  Better than I ever thought I could be.  She knows how insanely difficult this is for me.  Yet, she still hasn't given up on me.  There are times I wonder if she regrets making me think (because it usually results in a lot of rambling thoughts) but, I know she wouldn't have it any other way.  That alone keeps pushing me to be better than I know how.   So, thanks Renee' :)  For being my friend and everything you've helped me find in my life.