I'm not real sure how to be creative with continuing with my story. But, I'll try :)
So, I didn't lose any weight this week. And it's okay. I went to the gym on Thursday, did a weight workout and some sprinting on the elliptical. It felt good. As I was walking out, a lady that I see sometimes who is an aide for an autistic boy who swims every day stopped and said, You look AMAZING!! I just smiled, said thank you and told her how much I needed to hear that today. She said I inspired her - It's so weird to hear that. I feel like I am just taking care of myself (finally) so when people give me compliments like that, it feels so strange but also makes me proud at the same time. I really don't think I've ever been an inspiration to anyone. I've just kinda floated my way through life. Now, I feel like I have a place somewhere and I keep finding more ways to make life fun.
There are still so many things I want to accomplish and learn about myself. So, as I think of things, I want to keep adding to the list I started in my blog about what can change in 9 months.
28. Now that I'm happy, it is so much easier and so fun to be happy for someone else in my life.
29. Happiness is contagious.
30. I now get described as bubbly - which is bizarre in so many ways
31. Shopping is fun!
32. I never could have imagined how good it feels to have my entire family in my corner, cheering for me and constantly saying how proud they are of me.
33. It's fun to be in pictures again
34. I can almost keep up with my 5 year old nephew when he's running - He's fast!!
35. Making exercise a priority means I make myself a priority - and everyone needs that!
36. Anything I want to do, I should try. I'll never know what I can do if I don't try
37. When I stopped comparing myself to others, I figured out I'm a pretty awesome person just by being me.
38. Real and true friendships are priceless - and the best gift I could ever receive in my life.
39. Renee' enjoys it when I'm sore - so I'm sure I'm in trouble if she ever makes me workout with her again.
40. Food doesn't need to be a reward. Feeling good, looking good and being in good health are much better rewards than food. But I still enjoy the occasional cookie :)
I'm sure there's more but that's all I've got right now!
I have so much more energy than I ever thought I could. For example, today, I got up, administered a test at school and, since I had time, I went for a walk before I had to leave for the special olympics swim meet. The old me would have laid on the couch and slept.
Each day, life just gets better. When the year started, I was so down on myself and everything in my life. In my wildest dreams, I never would have imagined how much of a transformation I would make in such a short time. The funny thing is, I know I will continue to change and grow and I'm excited for every bit of it!
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Ups and Downs - Learning About Myself
Life is full of ups and downs. Happy moments and disappointing moments. The trick is you have to figure out how to work your way through both without letting the not so good times get you down.
I definitely struggled with that in many more ways than one, most of which I've talked about in one way or another in this blog. However, I've never really talked about how up and down my weight has actually been throughout my life and how that affected me.
Even as a kid, I was always the "heavy" one. I'm not sure why. My parents fed us well, made us eat vegetables, drink milk and go outside and play all the time. I think some of it is genetics. I was never going to be stick thin - I'm not built that way and I actually think I'd look kinda funny if I were stick thin. From a very young age, I loved to eat, especially sweets. Many of you might remember Mama Schur's homemade cookies (we used to sell them at lunch when people asked us for the ones packed in our lunches). Just one of the many sweet treats I enjoyed as a kid. But, it never went overboard because food wasn't free reign at our house.
However, as I got older, I, obviously had more freedom with food and, with lots of things starting to happen in life (being a teenager sucks), I started to use food as comfort. It made me feel better to feel full. Definitely an emotional eater from a very early age. Plus, as I got older, I started to realize that I was not athletic and that sports were not going to be a big part of my life. So, my activity level decreased dramatically. In middle school, I remember my mom putting me on a diet one summer. It was something I wanted to try and it wasn't any kind of starvation plan. I just cut back on calories. I managed to lose some weight and I felt really good about myself. But, even that was short-lived. After losing the weight, I started eating normally again and eventually gained all of it back and then some.
By mid high school, my weight was kind of a security blanket for me. I was always trying to find a way to fit in and, if I felt lost (which happened often), I would just eat candy and anything else that I could get my hands on. I wasn't active and I pretended to be happy. I went off to college and just continued to eat. I knew my weight was out of control but college wasn't exactly the best time of my life. I struggled to meet people (that whole talking to people I don't know thing) and I found myself going home a lot on the weekends because I wasn't happy and my dorm situation was awful, to say the least. Just felt like I was getting dealt one blow after another. By the end of my sophomore year of college, I wanted to try to lose weight so I went back to cutting calories. I managed to lose a significant amount of weight and loved buying some new clothes to wear. However, it was once again short-lived. I went back to school after having the summer off and, very quickly, my living situation became one that was not healthy for me. My roommates and I just went different ways and grew apart. So, I started to eat again as a way to comfort myself.
The next few years were packed full with school, grad school, working full time and completing a 600 hour internship while going to school and working full time. Needless to say, activity was the last thing on my mind. So, my weight continued to go up the scale but I still hadn't hit my heaviest. Throughout my years at my old job, I would try to lose weight at times. But, I would always go back to eating what I wanted, when I wanted. I gave into temptation way too easily. And, although I pretended to be happy, I wasn't and food was my comfort. When each of my siblings got married, I had lost some weight but, both times, I put the weight back on, plus some.
So what's different this time? First of all, I have someone who will kick me in my ass if I start to fall off the bandwagon - she already has a couple of times and it's exactly what I needed! Obviously, I don't do the greatest job of holding myself accountable so having someone who will keep me in check is making a huge difference. But also, my frame of mind has completely changed. This isn't a diet, it's the way I'm going to live my life. I have to. And I want to.
So many people have asked me how I've managed to lose so much weight in such a short period of time. Other than saying, I've changed everything about my life, I don't really have an answer. At some point, it will stop. Today, for the first time since I embarked on this journey, I didn't lose any weight. I won't lie - it was a disappointment. However, I just scooped myself up and told myself that I would see a change next week. And, even if I don't, I know I will eventually. During my past attempts to lose weight, when I wouldn't see a change for a week or two, I would give up. I'd say, screw it, I'm eating some candy (or whatever). Know what I did today? I ate just like I normally would, walked by the room that was filled with Halloween treats for the office aides several times and I went to the gym.
I feel amazing! And the support of all my friends and my entire family has made a world of difference this time around. And, I feel confident in saying, this is the last time I will be looking to lose weight! I am going to keep it off!
And, again, this is about so much more than weight loss. As I mentioned several times above, I wasn't happy and I was searching for something, I just didn't know what. It's funny, I really think my 30's are going to be some of the best years of my life. I found the following tonight and feel like it sums up what I've rambled about tonight:
It's about a girl who is on the cusp of becoming someone.. A girl who may not know what she wants right now, and she may not know who she is right now, but who deserves the chance to find out.
I definitely struggled with that in many more ways than one, most of which I've talked about in one way or another in this blog. However, I've never really talked about how up and down my weight has actually been throughout my life and how that affected me.
Even as a kid, I was always the "heavy" one. I'm not sure why. My parents fed us well, made us eat vegetables, drink milk and go outside and play all the time. I think some of it is genetics. I was never going to be stick thin - I'm not built that way and I actually think I'd look kinda funny if I were stick thin. From a very young age, I loved to eat, especially sweets. Many of you might remember Mama Schur's homemade cookies (we used to sell them at lunch when people asked us for the ones packed in our lunches). Just one of the many sweet treats I enjoyed as a kid. But, it never went overboard because food wasn't free reign at our house.
However, as I got older, I, obviously had more freedom with food and, with lots of things starting to happen in life (being a teenager sucks), I started to use food as comfort. It made me feel better to feel full. Definitely an emotional eater from a very early age. Plus, as I got older, I started to realize that I was not athletic and that sports were not going to be a big part of my life. So, my activity level decreased dramatically. In middle school, I remember my mom putting me on a diet one summer. It was something I wanted to try and it wasn't any kind of starvation plan. I just cut back on calories. I managed to lose some weight and I felt really good about myself. But, even that was short-lived. After losing the weight, I started eating normally again and eventually gained all of it back and then some.
By mid high school, my weight was kind of a security blanket for me. I was always trying to find a way to fit in and, if I felt lost (which happened often), I would just eat candy and anything else that I could get my hands on. I wasn't active and I pretended to be happy. I went off to college and just continued to eat. I knew my weight was out of control but college wasn't exactly the best time of my life. I struggled to meet people (that whole talking to people I don't know thing) and I found myself going home a lot on the weekends because I wasn't happy and my dorm situation was awful, to say the least. Just felt like I was getting dealt one blow after another. By the end of my sophomore year of college, I wanted to try to lose weight so I went back to cutting calories. I managed to lose a significant amount of weight and loved buying some new clothes to wear. However, it was once again short-lived. I went back to school after having the summer off and, very quickly, my living situation became one that was not healthy for me. My roommates and I just went different ways and grew apart. So, I started to eat again as a way to comfort myself.
The next few years were packed full with school, grad school, working full time and completing a 600 hour internship while going to school and working full time. Needless to say, activity was the last thing on my mind. So, my weight continued to go up the scale but I still hadn't hit my heaviest. Throughout my years at my old job, I would try to lose weight at times. But, I would always go back to eating what I wanted, when I wanted. I gave into temptation way too easily. And, although I pretended to be happy, I wasn't and food was my comfort. When each of my siblings got married, I had lost some weight but, both times, I put the weight back on, plus some.
So what's different this time? First of all, I have someone who will kick me in my ass if I start to fall off the bandwagon - she already has a couple of times and it's exactly what I needed! Obviously, I don't do the greatest job of holding myself accountable so having someone who will keep me in check is making a huge difference. But also, my frame of mind has completely changed. This isn't a diet, it's the way I'm going to live my life. I have to. And I want to.
So many people have asked me how I've managed to lose so much weight in such a short period of time. Other than saying, I've changed everything about my life, I don't really have an answer. At some point, it will stop. Today, for the first time since I embarked on this journey, I didn't lose any weight. I won't lie - it was a disappointment. However, I just scooped myself up and told myself that I would see a change next week. And, even if I don't, I know I will eventually. During my past attempts to lose weight, when I wouldn't see a change for a week or two, I would give up. I'd say, screw it, I'm eating some candy (or whatever). Know what I did today? I ate just like I normally would, walked by the room that was filled with Halloween treats for the office aides several times and I went to the gym.
I feel amazing! And the support of all my friends and my entire family has made a world of difference this time around. And, I feel confident in saying, this is the last time I will be looking to lose weight! I am going to keep it off!
And, again, this is about so much more than weight loss. As I mentioned several times above, I wasn't happy and I was searching for something, I just didn't know what. It's funny, I really think my 30's are going to be some of the best years of my life. I found the following tonight and feel like it sums up what I've rambled about tonight:
It's about a girl who is on the cusp of becoming someone.. A girl who may not know what she wants right now, and she may not know who she is right now, but who deserves the chance to find out.
Monday, October 28, 2013
My first 10K!
I'm really not sure what I was thinking when I decided to try a 10K. For anyone who doesn't know, that is 6.2 miles. I just did a 5K two weeks ago and running that much was a challenge for me. I didn't even run the whole 5K but I did finished much faster than I thought I would. But, since I had signed up, paid the money and made my mom sign up too, I decided to go for it and do the best I could.
It turned out to be a gorgeous day. The morning was a little chilly but, for the end of October, we couldn't have asked for better weather. Mom and I were ready to go and didn't have to wait too long. The course was around a park - twice for the 10K. I didn't realize how far 6.2 miles actually was until I got to the end of 3.1 and realized I was only halfway there. But, I was determined to keep going and I had made it to the halfway point in about 35 minutes which made me happy.
Mom and I had split up pretty much from the beginning. I got off to a quicker start but she eventually passed me when I had to start walking. I had my ipod so I was good! I knew the second half was going to be more difficult than the first but I also kept telling myself how close I was to being done. That gave me a few bursts of energy :) I definitely walked more in the second half but every time I felt like I could, I would jog for a little while. I kept looking at my watch to see how I was doing on time. Then I would look behind me to make sure there were still people behind me...I didn't want to be the last one! By the time I got close to mile 6, someone who I had been close to most of the race gave me the push I needed to finish - she said, come on, you've only got .2 miles to go. So, I started running and I went across the finish line an hour and 14 minutes after I started! I was soooo excited! My goal (in addition to not being last) was to finish in under an hour and a half. Oh, and did I mention I had strep earlier in the week? So, I was coughing and blowing my nose throughout the race.
When I went across the finish line, I saw my mom and then, to my surprise, I saw my sister, brother-in-law and my niece! They had come out to see me finish! Meant the world to me that they would take the time to do that :)
I have to say, it was completely worth it. I had fun, loved doing it with my mom (even though we weren't together most of the time) and really feel like I accomplished something I never thought I could. Here's mom and I after we both finished :)
I think I'll wait til the cold weather goes away before I try another race. And I may stick with 5K's for awhile until I get more used to this running thing. But, I am so happy I tried the 10K and finished it in the time I did - Feels amazing!
It turned out to be a gorgeous day. The morning was a little chilly but, for the end of October, we couldn't have asked for better weather. Mom and I were ready to go and didn't have to wait too long. The course was around a park - twice for the 10K. I didn't realize how far 6.2 miles actually was until I got to the end of 3.1 and realized I was only halfway there. But, I was determined to keep going and I had made it to the halfway point in about 35 minutes which made me happy.
Mom and I had split up pretty much from the beginning. I got off to a quicker start but she eventually passed me when I had to start walking. I had my ipod so I was good! I knew the second half was going to be more difficult than the first but I also kept telling myself how close I was to being done. That gave me a few bursts of energy :) I definitely walked more in the second half but every time I felt like I could, I would jog for a little while. I kept looking at my watch to see how I was doing on time. Then I would look behind me to make sure there were still people behind me...I didn't want to be the last one! By the time I got close to mile 6, someone who I had been close to most of the race gave me the push I needed to finish - she said, come on, you've only got .2 miles to go. So, I started running and I went across the finish line an hour and 14 minutes after I started! I was soooo excited! My goal (in addition to not being last) was to finish in under an hour and a half. Oh, and did I mention I had strep earlier in the week? So, I was coughing and blowing my nose throughout the race.
When I went across the finish line, I saw my mom and then, to my surprise, I saw my sister, brother-in-law and my niece! They had come out to see me finish! Meant the world to me that they would take the time to do that :)
I have to say, it was completely worth it. I had fun, loved doing it with my mom (even though we weren't together most of the time) and really feel like I accomplished something I never thought I could. Here's mom and I after we both finished :)
I think I'll wait til the cold weather goes away before I try another race. And I may stick with 5K's for awhile until I get more used to this running thing. But, I am so happy I tried the 10K and finished it in the time I did - Feels amazing!
Friday, October 25, 2013
What Can Change 9 Months??
Nine months - can be a long time and a short time. Most of you are probably thinking - yeah, it takes 9 months to have a baby. And, you're right. But, that's not what I'm aiming for here.
At the end of January 2013 (I believe it was the 2nd to last Thursday of the month - rainman memory at your service - I took a leap of faith, drove to Mason after work (35 - 40 minute drive from my old job) and walked into a place I'd never been to meet with someone I'd never met about how I could work on making some changes in my life. I couldn't believe I was actually doing any of the above. Me, meeting someone new and being interested in what she had to say and, maybe actually saying more than 10 words in response. Most people who knew me then would tell you, there's no way Amanda would do that. And, for the most part, they were right. But, I trusted my brother and his judgement and I knew he wouldn't be sending to talk to someone he didn't really like, respect and admire in many ways. After all, he is my big brother and he loves to be protective in any way I'll let him. So, I knew I would be in good hands.
First talking to Renee' - I felt energized. First time I'd felt that in a long time. When I told my brother that, he just smiled. And my family respected that I would tell them what I wanted to tell them when I was ready to share it. Deep down, I think I needed to do this on my own at first (well, with Renee's help) so I could take ownership in changing my life. Sometimes, I think the phrase changing my life is a bit of an understatement. But I'll go with it.
I'm sure I'm going to forget something (or many things) but this is everything I can remember accomplishing in the last 9 months. Renee' made a similar list for me after my spring break this year - just 2 months after I met her. I should probably let her add to this list. She comes up with a lot more accomplishments for me than I do for myself. In addition to accomplishments, there are so many things I've learned about myself, I'm not sure I can list them all. But, I'm going to do my best so that anyone who reads this knows that it truly is possible to change your life without changing who you are as a person.
1. Volunteered at different places with people I've never met
2. Tried new food - especially fish
3. Started learning how to cook
4. Figured out what a garlic clove is - still don't know what to do with it! :)
5. Stopped looking like I was walking in circles at the grocery store (unless I'm looking for something new).
6. Tried Green Tea - and actually liked it!
7. Established some new friendships that I am so lucky to have in my life
8. Learned that it is okay to indulge from time to time - it's part of life
9. Learned how to smile again and actually have meaning behind that smile
10. Wrote down several goals for the next few months
11. Developed self-confidence and self-esteem I didn't know was inside me
12. Started exercising again and grew to enjoy it
13. Discovered that I despise push ups - but for some reason I keep doing them
14. Learned that there are amazing people in the world who want to help others - I just had to find them!
15. Discovered that there are people who want to know me for me - something I struggled with for many years
16. If I don't take chances, I'll never know what could lie ahead of me
17. Much as I enjoy my little comfort zone, I need to step out of it to find the life I want to live.
18. Salad is actually good
19. Renee' enjoys confusing me by mentioning foods and other things I've never heard of - but it makes me laugh!
20. I enjoy laughing at myself as I find my way through this thing called life
21. Being happy is priceless
22. Starting a new job really is a new beginning - in so many more ways than I ever imagined
23.Being social is actually fun!
24. I ran/walked a 5K in 35 minutes!
25. Sometimes, new friendships can turn into the person or people becoming your best friend(s).
26. Being around people who are positive, enjoy life and bring out the best in me is an unbelievable blessing
AND -
27. I've lost 91 pounds!!! Un-freaking-believable!!!
I've said it before, but I'll say it again - I feel so incredibly blessed to have so many amazing people in my life. Renee' has helped me find things inside myself that I either didn't know existed or had lost throughout the last few years. I can't even begin to explain how amazing it feels. And how incredible I feel. But, maybe this picture will give you a little insight -
At the end of January 2013 (I believe it was the 2nd to last Thursday of the month - rainman memory at your service - I took a leap of faith, drove to Mason after work (35 - 40 minute drive from my old job) and walked into a place I'd never been to meet with someone I'd never met about how I could work on making some changes in my life. I couldn't believe I was actually doing any of the above. Me, meeting someone new and being interested in what she had to say and, maybe actually saying more than 10 words in response. Most people who knew me then would tell you, there's no way Amanda would do that. And, for the most part, they were right. But, I trusted my brother and his judgement and I knew he wouldn't be sending to talk to someone he didn't really like, respect and admire in many ways. After all, he is my big brother and he loves to be protective in any way I'll let him. So, I knew I would be in good hands.
First talking to Renee' - I felt energized. First time I'd felt that in a long time. When I told my brother that, he just smiled. And my family respected that I would tell them what I wanted to tell them when I was ready to share it. Deep down, I think I needed to do this on my own at first (well, with Renee's help) so I could take ownership in changing my life. Sometimes, I think the phrase changing my life is a bit of an understatement. But I'll go with it.
I'm sure I'm going to forget something (or many things) but this is everything I can remember accomplishing in the last 9 months. Renee' made a similar list for me after my spring break this year - just 2 months after I met her. I should probably let her add to this list. She comes up with a lot more accomplishments for me than I do for myself. In addition to accomplishments, there are so many things I've learned about myself, I'm not sure I can list them all. But, I'm going to do my best so that anyone who reads this knows that it truly is possible to change your life without changing who you are as a person.
1. Volunteered at different places with people I've never met
2. Tried new food - especially fish
3. Started learning how to cook
4. Figured out what a garlic clove is - still don't know what to do with it! :)
5. Stopped looking like I was walking in circles at the grocery store (unless I'm looking for something new).
6. Tried Green Tea - and actually liked it!
7. Established some new friendships that I am so lucky to have in my life
8. Learned that it is okay to indulge from time to time - it's part of life
9. Learned how to smile again and actually have meaning behind that smile
10. Wrote down several goals for the next few months
11. Developed self-confidence and self-esteem I didn't know was inside me
12. Started exercising again and grew to enjoy it
13. Discovered that I despise push ups - but for some reason I keep doing them
14. Learned that there are amazing people in the world who want to help others - I just had to find them!
15. Discovered that there are people who want to know me for me - something I struggled with for many years
16. If I don't take chances, I'll never know what could lie ahead of me
17. Much as I enjoy my little comfort zone, I need to step out of it to find the life I want to live.
18. Salad is actually good
19. Renee' enjoys confusing me by mentioning foods and other things I've never heard of - but it makes me laugh!
20. I enjoy laughing at myself as I find my way through this thing called life
21. Being happy is priceless
22. Starting a new job really is a new beginning - in so many more ways than I ever imagined
23.Being social is actually fun!
24. I ran/walked a 5K in 35 minutes!
25. Sometimes, new friendships can turn into the person or people becoming your best friend(s).
26. Being around people who are positive, enjoy life and bring out the best in me is an unbelievable blessing
AND -
27. I've lost 91 pounds!!! Un-freaking-believable!!!
I've said it before, but I'll say it again - I feel so incredibly blessed to have so many amazing people in my life. Renee' has helped me find things inside myself that I either didn't know existed or had lost throughout the last few years. I can't even begin to explain how amazing it feels. And how incredible I feel. But, maybe this picture will give you a little insight -
I've never seen this quote until today but I think it sums up the last 9 months of my life -
They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
And, if I had to, I would sum up my very first conversation with Renee' with this quote -
This is a new year. A new beginning. And things will change.
I could have only imagined how true that would be - and in more ways I could have ever imagined.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Facing Challenges
Challenges. We all have so many of them in our lives. I know I have certainly had my fair share. I used to think I was dealt more crap than the average person. Looking back on it, I'm not sure that was necessarily true. I think I just wasn't sure how to deal with everyday challenges.
One of my biggest challenges has been finally coming to the conclusion that I love who I am. Struggles, challenges and successes. Over the years, I think I've overlooked everything I've achieved because I always chose to dwell on the bad stuff. Hey, by the age of 24, I had a Bachelor's and a Master's Degree, had landed a job in the field I wanted and so many other things. Don't ask me why, but, despite all of these accomplishments, I struggled to find a lot of positive things in my life.
I used to get sick all the time. (I'm sick right now but, who's counting??) I think some of that was the depression I was feeling. Yep, I finally said the word. It took me awhile to actually use that word. But, now that I have used it over the last several months, I realize there's nothing to be ashamed of with depression. So many people experience this mental health disorder for many different reasons. For some, it is temporary, for others it is a lifelong struggle. I think I am one of the lucky ones. I just needed to find myself in order to find my way out of my depression. It's something I work on every day and I'm sure I will work on it for the rest of my life. But, shouldn't everyone constantly be trying to be a better version of themselves? I mean, I know there are always things about me, how I react to situations and people and many other things about my life that could be better. Part of life is learning, growing and changing every day, right? It's amazing how much of that I have packed into the last 9 months.
I've heard people say that different phases of your life are supposed to be the best years of your life. I think that gets said about high school, college, your 20's and other different times. I think the best time of your life has to be when you figure out who you are. That happens at different times for everyone. For me, just recently I've started to understand what makes me happy. I've had to take some chances, make a lot of changes and really try to figure myself out. Easier said than done. But, with the right support system in place, anything is possible. And I'm definitely still working on it and will be for a long time.
As I was watching TV today, I saw a show about people who had lost weight getting revenge on people who had been horrible to them when they were overweight. While I totally get it - people can be really cruel in a lot of ways they don't even realize at times - I am so happy I'm not that kind of person. I don't need to get revenge on anyone. I'm doing this for me, and only me. As much as the love and support of my family means the world to me, I had to make the choice to change my life for myself. Took some pushing for sure, but no one could make me do something I didn't really want to do.
Whatever your challenges are in life, I've learned that it is so much better to just face them rather than hide from them. Find people who will support you, no matter what and you will find that every day of your life can be part of the best years of your life. Sometimes I wish I would have figured that out sooner but, there's a time and a place for everything.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.
One of my biggest challenges has been finally coming to the conclusion that I love who I am. Struggles, challenges and successes. Over the years, I think I've overlooked everything I've achieved because I always chose to dwell on the bad stuff. Hey, by the age of 24, I had a Bachelor's and a Master's Degree, had landed a job in the field I wanted and so many other things. Don't ask me why, but, despite all of these accomplishments, I struggled to find a lot of positive things in my life.
I used to get sick all the time. (I'm sick right now but, who's counting??) I think some of that was the depression I was feeling. Yep, I finally said the word. It took me awhile to actually use that word. But, now that I have used it over the last several months, I realize there's nothing to be ashamed of with depression. So many people experience this mental health disorder for many different reasons. For some, it is temporary, for others it is a lifelong struggle. I think I am one of the lucky ones. I just needed to find myself in order to find my way out of my depression. It's something I work on every day and I'm sure I will work on it for the rest of my life. But, shouldn't everyone constantly be trying to be a better version of themselves? I mean, I know there are always things about me, how I react to situations and people and many other things about my life that could be better. Part of life is learning, growing and changing every day, right? It's amazing how much of that I have packed into the last 9 months.
I've heard people say that different phases of your life are supposed to be the best years of your life. I think that gets said about high school, college, your 20's and other different times. I think the best time of your life has to be when you figure out who you are. That happens at different times for everyone. For me, just recently I've started to understand what makes me happy. I've had to take some chances, make a lot of changes and really try to figure myself out. Easier said than done. But, with the right support system in place, anything is possible. And I'm definitely still working on it and will be for a long time.
As I was watching TV today, I saw a show about people who had lost weight getting revenge on people who had been horrible to them when they were overweight. While I totally get it - people can be really cruel in a lot of ways they don't even realize at times - I am so happy I'm not that kind of person. I don't need to get revenge on anyone. I'm doing this for me, and only me. As much as the love and support of my family means the world to me, I had to make the choice to change my life for myself. Took some pushing for sure, but no one could make me do something I didn't really want to do.
Whatever your challenges are in life, I've learned that it is so much better to just face them rather than hide from them. Find people who will support you, no matter what and you will find that every day of your life can be part of the best years of your life. Sometimes I wish I would have figured that out sooner but, there's a time and a place for everything.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Dancing in the Rain
Some people wonder what I do when I am at a party. Do I just not eat? No, not at all. I have learned to eat as I normally do all day so that I am not starving by the time I get to the party. If there are healthy options, I will definitely try to go that route. But, I also allow myself to indulge from time to time. Take my niece's birthday party - I knew I would be eating pizza and having a cupcake for dessert so I made sure I worked out and ate really well all day. I don't feel guilty about it but I did enjoy every second of eating that pizza and cupcake :) I'm still a normal person - I just try to make better choices for myself on a daily basis so I don't feel guilty about indulging from time to time.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.
So true. As happy as I am now, I can't say I don't have bad moments or even a frustrating day here and there. Who doesn't. I think what's different now is how I choose to react to those frustrating moments or occasions. I can sit around and wait for the situation to pass and just let it fester inside of me (what I used to do) or I can figure out how to work and live through it, hence the dancing in the rain.
For example, this whole cooking thing. To this day I feel like a complete moron about food and anything related to cooking. It overwhelms me and makes me feel stupid. However, I keep trying. Well, except for that whole recipes thing but we can just keep that between you and me, right? ;) When I first started this lifestyle change, I had absolutely no idea where to start. With a lot of help, (and explicit instructions...) I was able to get started. I could have just given up and said, screw it, I don't understand. But, instead, I chose to laugh at myself and take all of my mistakes and stupid questions in stride. If I can't laugh at myself, how will I ever get through all of this and sort of learn how to cook?? Notice I said sort of...
If I can't learn how to work through all of the difficult times, how will I ever enjoy all of the happy ones? That was another part of my struggle. As I've said before, I was constantly consumed by the bad things in my life. I would put on a brave smile but I never really worked through them. Since I've started figuring out who I am and what makes me happy, I'm not consumed by frustrating things anymore. I just love living my life and try to enjoy every second I have while I am awake.
I also think part of learning to dance in the rain is being happy. I think I've said before, I see such a happiness in my face that wasn't there 9 months ago. I've had several people comment when they see me that I just look happy. Truthfully, this is the first time in my adult life I can remember people telling me that I look happy. Fake smiles only go so far. When you are truly happy, it will radiate through everything you do. I am living proof of that.
If you want your life to change, your choices and actions must change. Every day brings a chance to start over.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.
So true. As happy as I am now, I can't say I don't have bad moments or even a frustrating day here and there. Who doesn't. I think what's different now is how I choose to react to those frustrating moments or occasions. I can sit around and wait for the situation to pass and just let it fester inside of me (what I used to do) or I can figure out how to work and live through it, hence the dancing in the rain.
For example, this whole cooking thing. To this day I feel like a complete moron about food and anything related to cooking. It overwhelms me and makes me feel stupid. However, I keep trying. Well, except for that whole recipes thing but we can just keep that between you and me, right? ;) When I first started this lifestyle change, I had absolutely no idea where to start. With a lot of help, (and explicit instructions...) I was able to get started. I could have just given up and said, screw it, I don't understand. But, instead, I chose to laugh at myself and take all of my mistakes and stupid questions in stride. If I can't laugh at myself, how will I ever get through all of this and sort of learn how to cook?? Notice I said sort of...
If I can't learn how to work through all of the difficult times, how will I ever enjoy all of the happy ones? That was another part of my struggle. As I've said before, I was constantly consumed by the bad things in my life. I would put on a brave smile but I never really worked through them. Since I've started figuring out who I am and what makes me happy, I'm not consumed by frustrating things anymore. I just love living my life and try to enjoy every second I have while I am awake.
I also think part of learning to dance in the rain is being happy. I think I've said before, I see such a happiness in my face that wasn't there 9 months ago. I've had several people comment when they see me that I just look happy. Truthfully, this is the first time in my adult life I can remember people telling me that I look happy. Fake smiles only go so far. When you are truly happy, it will radiate through everything you do. I am living proof of that.
If you want your life to change, your choices and actions must change. Every day brings a chance to start over.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
There's a Reason for the Past
Your past is what makes you who you are.
This is so true in so many ways. We all have things, events or occurrences in our lives that we would love to forget ever happened. However, if you really think about it, would you still be the person you are without those things happening in your life? I know I wouldn't be the same person.
There's no need to go into lots of detail, but it's safe to say there are lots of things that I remember from my childhood, teenage and young adult years that are not great memories nor were they positive experiences. However, as I look back on them as a 33 year old adult, I realize they all happened for a reason and have had a part (big or small) in shaping who I am today. Now, I won't say that all the results have always been positive. However, I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. For example, there's a reason that I've always struggled with my weight. I have no idea why and throughout my life I've always complained that it isn't fair. But, I wouldn't be who I am today without that struggle. I think this particular difficulty has made me a pretty sensitive person and really in tune to how people feel. Probably one of the reasons I enjoy being a counselor. I know what it's like to feel like you don't belong, whether it's true or not. It's a very difficult place to find yourself in but there are ways to work through it. Just takes the right time and the right people to surround you with love and support.
During my childhood, I always felt like I had to compete with my brother and sister. My parents never made me feel that way. For some reason, it was my mindset. I think, well, actually I know, that feeling significantly contributed to how I've felt the last few years. Although it's been a difficult road, again, I know I wouldn't be the person I am without going through those difficult times.
The other thing I take out of this quote is family. Your family will always be a part of your past. If you're lucky (like me), they will be a huge part of your daily life and you will be secure enough to know they will always be around in the future. I grew up surrounded with a ton of love and support from two amazing parents. To this day, I still have that kind of love and support. My family is just bigger. I wouldn't be the person I am without my amazing parents and all the wonderful memories and experiences I have with my brother and sister. They have shaped who I am, the qualities and characteristics I possess and so many other things about my life.
This is so true in so many ways. We all have things, events or occurrences in our lives that we would love to forget ever happened. However, if you really think about it, would you still be the person you are without those things happening in your life? I know I wouldn't be the same person.
There's no need to go into lots of detail, but it's safe to say there are lots of things that I remember from my childhood, teenage and young adult years that are not great memories nor were they positive experiences. However, as I look back on them as a 33 year old adult, I realize they all happened for a reason and have had a part (big or small) in shaping who I am today. Now, I won't say that all the results have always been positive. However, I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. For example, there's a reason that I've always struggled with my weight. I have no idea why and throughout my life I've always complained that it isn't fair. But, I wouldn't be who I am today without that struggle. I think this particular difficulty has made me a pretty sensitive person and really in tune to how people feel. Probably one of the reasons I enjoy being a counselor. I know what it's like to feel like you don't belong, whether it's true or not. It's a very difficult place to find yourself in but there are ways to work through it. Just takes the right time and the right people to surround you with love and support.
During my childhood, I always felt like I had to compete with my brother and sister. My parents never made me feel that way. For some reason, it was my mindset. I think, well, actually I know, that feeling significantly contributed to how I've felt the last few years. Although it's been a difficult road, again, I know I wouldn't be the person I am without going through those difficult times.
The other thing I take out of this quote is family. Your family will always be a part of your past. If you're lucky (like me), they will be a huge part of your daily life and you will be secure enough to know they will always be around in the future. I grew up surrounded with a ton of love and support from two amazing parents. To this day, I still have that kind of love and support. My family is just bigger. I wouldn't be the person I am without my amazing parents and all the wonderful memories and experiences I have with my brother and sister. They have shaped who I am, the qualities and characteristics I possess and so many other things about my life.
As kids, we were lucky enough to spend a week each summer with our grandparents. They both lived about 8 hours away from us so the time we spent with them was incredibly special to all 3 of us. The time I was able to spend with them allowed me to develop such respect, love and admiration for everything they brought to my life. Only a few people who read this will understand this next sentence but, that's okay. Because of the time I was able to spend with my grandparents in New York, to this day, every time I hear a train or drive across railroad tracks, I blow a kiss up to the sky and say, "I love you Grandpa". I know he's up there watching over me and I take the trains as a sign of that.
There are so many more (countless) ways my past has shaped who I have become. I am forever grateful for all of my experiences, good and not so good. There's a reason for all of them. I know that in my heart.
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