The Inner Journey

It's funny how a conversation with someone who means the world to you but you don't get to talk to often can make your day that much happier.  Especially when that person says something that resonates so deeply, you can't stop thinking about it because it makes so much sense.  

I have always wondered why I am the way that I am.  Over the last year and a half I've come to terms with who I am, accepted that there are many people out there who like, love and respect me for who I am and so much more.  However, there is always that piece of doubt hanging around in my head that just asks the question "why?".  I couldn't list all of the things that would have the ability to follow that "why".  So, I'll just elaborate on the one that has been bouncing around in my brain since yesterday afternoon.  

You know how we all have this little piece of doubt inside of ourselves?  Well, I don't know if we all have it but I am guessing it's a piece of a lot more people than most of the world realizes.  My little piece of self doubt, or insecurity or inferiority or whatever you want to call it has always been much bigger than the average person you talk to.  That self-confidence, self-esteem or many other things that we all have different levels of throughout our lives.  I've just always struggled with so much about myself.  I always put up walls and I am not comfortable talking to people I don't know.  That's how I protect myself.  Always has been.  It's safe for me.  

As I was told yesterday, "it's almost as if there are two of you.  There's the person you see yourself as today and the person that's always been there.  That person that is full of doubt and insecurity.  Sometimes that person who has always been there likes to sneak up on you.  It's like you want to give that person a hug and say, I love you, but please go away".  Not because you don't love that part of yourself.  I mean, that part of me is a huge piece of what makes me who I am.  It's why I am good at my job.  It's why I can relate to the teenagers that I work with at school.  It's why my nephew and nieces love me.  It's what makes me a good listener.  It's what allows me the ability to relate to others in ways I wouldn't be able to were it not for my past experiences and that other piece of me making me who I am.  And, yes, I am actually complimenting myself.  For those of you who know me, you know that's a rare occurrence. 

Tomorrow marks 18 months since I began this adventure to figure myself out.  And to find happiness.  It's been quite the journey and it's not even close to being over.  It's an incredibly difficult process for me.  As another really smart person said to me a few days ago - think about how hard it was for you to take the steps you took last year.  You should try to get back into that mode.  It's how you figure out who you are.  What matters to you.  What's important to you.  And what makes your life your own.  I've got such a long way to go.  But, also, I can't believe how far I've come in such a short amount of time.  

The inward journey is about finding your own fullness, something that no one can take away.

Thanks for being a part of this journey with me :) 

Inspiration... Who, Me?

This weekend is the annual preseason tournament for the soccer teams my brother and sister coach in the fall.  I always try to go to a few games.  I enjoy it and I like supporting them and their teams.  They've coached at the school for several years so many of the parents and families have gotten to know my family and I.  As a result, many of them have watched me as I've transformed my life.  Which, I'll be honest, is fun for me.  Since I only see them a few months out of the year, I have been lucky enough to hear some fun compliments this weekend.  

The one word I still struggle with as a description of me is inspiring.  I mean, I haven't done anything special.  But, it is fun to hear and it has led me to these thoughts - 

I struggle with confidence every day.  Especially self-confidence.  It's something I work on all the time.  And some days are better than others.  In my 34 years, I've never had much confidence in myself. There are lots of reasons for that.  Many of which probably don't matter anymore but have all been a part of shaping me into who I am.  They are all reasons that I found myself in the position I was in a year and a half ago.  But, as I started to learn how to like myself and began to find my way in the world, I've realized it is okay to display the little bit of confidence I do have.  

One mom asked me how much weight I've lost.  When I told her she just said that's amazing, congratulations and told me I looked great.  Another mom is the one who said I am her inspiration (weird to me, but, okay :)) and just said I look great.  Renee' was sitting there and I think she said, "she's an inspiration to a lot of people".  I just smiled.  I really have difficulty with knowing what to say when I hear these compliments.  No idea why.  Maybe because I spent so long not hearing those kinds of positive things from people.  I'm not the best with thinking of things to say off the top of my head (which is one of the reasons I like writing this blog).  So, smiling is usually about the most you'll get out of me.  Not because I don't appreciate it.  But, because I'm still not very comfortable talking about myself.  

I don't even realize on a daily basis that I'm inspiring people (which I say only because that is what I've been told).  I guess the way I've started living my life every day could be considered inspiring.  I'm just happy.  I may not ever lose any more weight.  I hope I do but, if not, I'll work with what I've got.  I just keep trying.  I'm not (as) afraid of meeting new people.  Or going out in public.  I am definitely still guilty of hiding in my house.  But, I try to get out in the world.  I know being out among people is going to be something I work on for the rest of my life.  

Currently I'm struggling with what to focus on in my life.  I need some new goals.  I've been trying to think of a couple of things to work on for the last week or so but I'm not sure I've thought of anything yet.  So, my homework (yes, even I still have homework) right now is to try to figure out what I can work on.  So far, I have a blank piece of paper with Goals at the top.  Yeah, I've got some work ahead of me :) 

So, what does all of that have to with being inspiring?  Well, I guess to be inspiring you have to, as the quote above says, be a strong person.  And, while I'm not sure inspiring is an accurate description of me, I do think I'm a strong person.  I wouldn't have gotten to where I am in life if I weren't strong.  I have been pushed around and put in more difficult situations than I can count.  While I don't think I'll ever be sure of the reasons behind all of them, I know they are all a part of why I've found success in changing my life.  I've had ups and downs throughout this journey.  I still do.  But, it's how I go through those ups and downs that I believe makes me a strong person.  And, apparently, inspiring.  

The Five W's of Life

When I saw this, I loved it right away :)

Who you are is what makes you special.  Do not change for anyone.
It has taken me years to learn this lesson.  I posted something similar on my Facebook page last night.  For most of my life I've tried to fit in.  I've never been able to truly say who I am.  I still have trouble with it.  At the age of 34, I'm still trying to find my identity and my place in the world.  But, because I'm happy, I'm enjoying the process.  I enjoy being out in the world (as long as I don't have to talk to people I don't know...).  I used to try to change to "fit in" with a certain group of people.  Or to try to be someone I'm not.  Over the last year and a half, I've finally figured out that I love who I am and so do a lot of other people.  What a strange concept to discover at my age.  At the same time, it feels amazing!  And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

What lies ahead will always be a mystery.  Do not be afraid to explore.
I probably struggle with this the most.  I am a planner.  I like to know what's going to happen.  However, I also can go with the flow pretty easily.  As long as I have an idea of what's happening!  Throughout this journey to find who I am, I am slowly learning that it's okay to not know what's going to happen.  That it's fun be surprised.  That life is about exploring new things.  It's how you figure out who you are and what life may have in store for you.  I work at this every day.  And it's worth it.

When life pushes you over, you push back harder.
For so long I let life push me over.  I let people walk all over me.  I didn't have any self-worth or feel like I mattered to anyone.  As I've developed some confidence in myself, I've figured out that I can push back on everything that has pushed me down.  I don't have to be mean about it.  I just need to stand up for myself.  Find what makes me happy and pursue it.  A certain someone said to me recently, "create your own happiness".  For some reason, when I hear that from someone I trust, it makes me think about it more than I would if I just read it on my own somewhere.  Creating my own happiness is going to be a long process.  But, I am so excited for all the progress I've made so far!

Where there are choices to make, make the one you won't regret.
If I want to be happy I have to take chances.  I've learned to do that over the last year and a half.  When I have the choice to sit in my house by myself or go out to happy hour, I've started to choose happy hour.  The old me would have made up an excuse and stayed in the comfort of my house.  Now, I know that I will regret saying no to people, opportunities and chances to find happiness.  I've had enough regret in my life.  I certainly don't need any more regret!

Why things happen will never be certain.  Take it in stride and move forward.
I've said before I dwell on so many things.  I always want to know why things happen.  More importantly, why it always felt like the crappy stuff happened to me.  As I've started to see beyond my own issues, I can see everyone has experienced difficulty.  Others may not be aware of it but it happens.  Although I still do (and probably always will) analyze everything, I don't let it consume me.  If something not so great happens, I just go with the flow and know that something better lies ahead of me.  

She will deny it and say it's all me but I owe so much of this clarity to my friendship with Renee'.  For some reason, I believe we were meant to meet and be friends.  Her belief in me as a person broke down all the walls I had built up around myself for so many years.  To this day I'm not 100% sure why she took an interest in me but I am so thankful every day that she did.  I wouldn't be where I am in life without everything she has helped me discover about myself.  Our friendship is one of the greatest gifts I'll ever receive in my life.  :) 

Family and Friendship

I've written a lot about my family and how close we all are.  I've always been blessed with an amazing family.  However, I do think there are times when I didn't 100% appreciate all that I had.  Of course, I think all kids go through that at some point.  Especially as teenagers.  But, there is one part of my family that I feel extra blessed to have.  My brother and sister.  I am the middle child.  And, honestly, I act like the middle child.  A lot.  But, that's another story.  

As I grew up, I didn't realize how lucky I was to have them in my life.  I spent so much time trying to be just like them or comparing myself to them.  Even though I had no reason to compare myself.  I just put this pressure on myself to be just like them.  They are a lot alike and I would definitely consider myself to be the "different one".  I wasn't overly interested in playing sports.  They are both athletic.  And coordinated.  Me, not so much.  And I always felt that, for some reason, that made me not as good as them.

As I've gone through this life changing journey over the last year and a half, I've had to do a lot of soul searching.  A lot of healing on my own.  I've had to figure out that it's okay that I'm the "different one".  That there's absolutely nothing wrong with me.  That I can be proud of who I am.  What I've accomplished in my life.  That my interests and talents make me who I am.  And I have finally come to the realization that our family would have a missing piece without me.  Here's a couple of examples - 

1.  I'm not sure there would be many pictures of all of us.  

I am known as the photographer of the family.  

2.  Who would remember everything from our childhood and beyond?  You'd be amazed at everything I remember.... I've been called rainman before.  I think it's an appropriate title... :)

3.  Who would be the "fun" sister, cheer on my siblings as they coach their soccer teams, 

remind them about birthdays, anniversaries, etc?  

As the middle child, I don't remember a time when either Andy or Angie wasn't an important part of my life.

Andy - I've read in my baby book (years ago.... but there's that memory of mine) that I used to follow you around when it was just the two of us.  "Mandy and Andy".  Cute, huh?  From very early on I must have known that you are the best older brother in the world.  You care about me in a way no one else does.  You've always been there to support me through everything.  I leaned on you a lot throughout our childhood.  I depended on you - probably more than I should have.  I always wanted to be just like you.  You have so many admirable qualities.  You are the perfect mixture of mom and dad.  Smart, patient, hilarious, responsible, respected by so many, friendly, easy to talk to, etc.... I could go on.  But it would take me a very long time.  You were a huge part of getting me started on this journey.  I think back to a year and a half ago.  Me crying on your couch at 1:30 am while you and Kristin just listened to me.  I was so lost.  I can only imagine how hard that was for you to see.  You'll never know how much I love and admire you for always being there for me.  Without your help and willingness to connect me with Renee', I don't know where I'd be.  And I certainly would not have found a couple of the most amazing friendships in my life.  Cooper and Chloe are so lucky to have you for their daddy.  I am so thankful to have you in my life as my big brother and my friend.  I couldn't imagine going through life without you as such a big part of every day.

Because I have a brother, I'll always have a friend.

Ang - Where do I start?  Obviously, I don't remember much about the early years.  But, I do remember sharing a room with you on Hazelgrove and listening to you talk.  Every night.  Always entertained me.  I remember being both excited and sad when we moved to Fallbrook and got our own rooms.  Cue the beginning of many years of "sneaking" out of our rooms and talking.  We really thought mom and dad didn't know!  We definitely had our battles growing up.  But, as you got older, we became better friends.  We still fought (what sisters don't fight).  But, I ALWAYS knew I had a friend in you.  That you had my back all the time.  And I still know that.  As I was talking to some people recently about my journey of the last year and a half, I said that I had kinda pushed you away without even realizing it.  I didn't even see what I was doing.  I do now and I am so thankful every day that you stuck by me and never gave up on me.  You've been a huge piece of my support system throughout this adventure.  I trust you and value your opinion more than you'll ever know.  You, too are a wonderful combination of our parents.  However, I will say, you are almost mom's twin.  You two are a lot alike.  And that's a good thing.  You are so open, friendly, smart, patient and have such a big heart.  Emma is so lucky to have you for a mommy.  You'll never know how immensely grateful I am that God decided to give me a sister. You. My lifelong best friend.  I can't imagine life without you.

There is no better friend than a sister.  

And there is no better sister than you.

My siblings are one of the single greatest blessings in my life. 

The Difference of a Year

As I get ready to leave for what I am sure will be another unforgettable vacation with my amazing family and some lifelong friends, I thought it would be fun to reflect on how much things can change from year to year.

In just the last year so much has changed just for me -

1. A year ago, I weighed 218 pounds leaving for vacation.  I was so proud of myself (still am) but can't believe what a difference an additional 34 pounds and building muscle can make -

2. A year ago, Cooper was 5 and just learning to read.  Chloe and Emma were 1.5 and it still felt like they were babies.  Fast forward a year, Cooper will start 1st grade in August and Chloe and Emma are 2.5 years old, talking up a storm and developing such fun personalities!  And being an aunt is still the greatest job in the world!

3. I was hoping that I would hear something from Fairfield.  I had sent my resume in but hadn't heard anything.  Little did I know my wish would come true over my vacation.  A year has passed and I am happier than I have been in a long time with my job and all the fun people I work with.  And I have some amazing new friends :)  

4. A year ago, I wasn't quite as embarrassed to be wearing a swim suit but still wasn't 100% comfortable.  I think it was last summer when I realized just how far I let things get with my weight and health.  When I saw that, even after losing 63 pounds I still wasn't comfortable in a swim suit.  This year, although I'll never have a perfect body, I am so happy with everything I've accomplished and love that I am comfortable enough to be seen in my swim suit without being wrapped up in a towel most of the time :)  Maybe I'll even take a full picture of myself in my suit this year... For now here's one from last year and a half shot of me and my sister from this year that Cooper took :)

5.  Confidence was still really difficult for me.  I also knew being on vacation was going to be difficult for me, food wise.  This year, I have more confidence than I ever thought I would find in myself.  Also, I'm not all that concerned about the food.  As Renee' often tells me, life is about balance.  And it's okay to indulge at times.  I also know I'm going to have an active vacation and I'm so excited to spend time outside, running around with all the kids, bike rides, walks on the beach and playing newly invented games in the pool that involve empty beer cans, squirt guns and rafts.  And probably other things that will be discovered at our new house this year.... :) I was already smiling more last year but here's a picture from two years ago in Destin and one from just last weekend....

As the years have gone on, so much has changed for all of us but, then again, so much has remained the same.  I couldn't imagine a better way to vacation every year.  I get to spend a week with the best kids in the world (Mackenzie, Mya, Marley, Mallory, Avery, Ruby, Lydia, Tyson and, my personal favorites, Cooper, Chloe and Emma :)) and some of the best families I've ever met.  Including my own!  We laugh, play games, hang out and just have fun.  And the houses we stay in are awesome!  

Here's to more amazing memories at the beach :) 

Happiness Is....

Throughout this journey to find myself, happiness has been a big part of what I've found and how I feel.  So, what does happiness feel like?  Here are my thoughts -

Happiness is - 

1.  Being told by a friend you've known for 10 years that you look more and more like your younger (beautiful) sister in pictures :) (Thanks Kim!)
2.  Running around with my 6 year old nephew, not getting winded, laughing and smiling the whole time.
3.  Going to a restaurant, ordering food that isn't that bad for me, enjoying myself and not feeling deprived.
4.  Having my nieces run up to me every time I see them and being able to bend down and hug both of them without thinking twice.
5.  Having a job I love.
6.  Watching kids I work with see their dreams realized.
7.  Making friends with different people and seeing how much is available out in the world for me.
8.  Putting on a swim suit, going to the pool and walking around in it like it's no big deal.  
9.  Looking back at pictures and realizing how far I've come in such a short amount of time.
10. Enjoying new experiences and developing a little more confidence every day.  
11. Hearing that my brother and sister are proud of me.  Their opinions of me mean more to me than I think they'll ever know.
12.  Seeing the smile on my my parents' face when they see how happy I am.  I know it's been a struggle for them watching me go through the last few years and I think my victory is just as much mine as it is theirs.  
13.  Getting messages from people that I haven't talked to in ages via Facebook and hearing that I've inspired them in one way or another.  Although I still have trouble believing I am an inspiration to anyone, I love to hear that I can make a difference in the lives of others.  Even if I don't know them well or see them on a regular basis.
14.  Taking two less medications than I was a year ago.
15.  Not letting the scale control how I feel about myself and the progress I've made.  
16.  Not spending an hour in Whole Foods when I try to find something.... when I choose to go in there.... that place is still super confusing to me.
17.  Finding simple recipes... I'm still a moron when it comes to food... And I think I always will be...
18.  Wearing a pair of shorts in public... still can't believe I did that...more than once!
19.  Finding self confidence.  If you've never felt a lack of it, just know that, when you find it, it is the greatest feeling in the world.
20.  Having 97 pounds of weight, unhappiness, despair and just feelings of inadequacy lifted off my shoulders.  Although I haven't lost anymore physical weight, the amount of emotional weight I've lost just in the last few months still amazes me on a regular basis.  

You might be wondering when, or how, I finally found happiness.  Well, to be honest, I don't know.  It's been a gradual process.  It was someone taking time to believe in me.  It was my family taking a step back but supporting me at the same time while I figured this out for myself.  It was breaking down all the walls I had built up around myself for so many years.  It was taking chances.  It was stepping out of my comfort zone even when it was extremely difficult for me to do.  It still is at times.  It was being willing to laugh at myself and all my ridiculous questions.  It was being comfortable enough to let my guard down and trust these new people in my life.  It was opening back up to my old friends and allowing them to be there for me.  And, most importantly, it's been the ongoing process of accepting who I am and being okay with it.  Being more than okay with it.  Being happy with myself.  

My life is finally my own.  I'm no longer allowing the outside world to control me, my thoughts and my feelings.  I'm becoming my own person.  It may have taken me 34 years to get to this point but, I'm here and I love that I make new discoveries everyday about myself and the world around me.  

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect.  It means that you've decided to 

look beyond the imperfections."

As the wrappers of my dove dark chocolate often say.... 

"Happiness looks great on you"

I think so too :)

My Choice

Almost every day I have people ask me random questions that center around the same theme. The most visible evidence of the changes I have made in my life is the weight loss.  But, this journey is about so much more than that for me.  I've written a little about these ideas in previous entries but, as I get ready to start my summer break, I thought it would be a good time to write some more thoughts so that, maybe, I can help others who find themselves in the same position I was in a couple of years ago.

Why?
Well, why not?  I had nothing to lose (other than weight) by jumping in with both feet.  I mean, hey, I don't think I could have been anymore down on myself, my life, my world than I was a year and a half ago.  So, either I needed to make a change or I would just continue to be sad all the time.  I look back on that now and can't believe I wasted so much time being sad.  But, depression is real.  And it's different for everyone.  For me, I think there were various times in my life when I was slightly depressed but found ways to climb out of it.  This time, I just couldn't seem to find my way out on my own.  With a lot of help, I feel 1000x better than I did a year and a half ago.  I am weaning myself off another medication and I am happier than I ever thought possible.  It is possible to beat this stuff.  You just have to figure out what the root of the problem is and what works for you.

How?
By figuring out what makes me happy.  By finding self confidence (which I still struggle with daily).  By not taking myself, or life, too seriously.  By taking pride in what I achieve.  By putting myself out there, no matter how difficult it might be.  By finding friends I never thought I'd be lucky enough to meet or have things in common with.  I mean, for those who know me, sports are not my strength.  I don't mind watching them but I am not what one would call athletic by any stretch of the imagination.  But, I've found things I enjoy and I even try things that I know are not my strength and have fun doing them.  (ie. soccer....).  And some of my closest friends now are athletes... turns out we have a lot in common!  Probably the simplest answer to this question is this - By living my life.

And one question I think many people are interested in knowing the answer to but may feel weird asking is - If you had to pick one thing about this journey that is the best / biggest accomplishment / or whatever, what would it be?
     One word.  Happiness.  I think that simple word encompasses everything I have accomplished in the last year and a half.  I run around with Coop, Chloe and Emma.  I'm almost always smiling.  I love my job and have the best co-workers.  And, yes, I will always love naps and the time I spend being lazy.  But, being around people is the biggest part of happiness.  I get energy from my friends and family.  I want to be out and about, among the living.  

 I think about these things on a daily basis.  I've made a choice to change my life.  The results have been greater than I could have ever wished or hoped for in my wildest dreams.  Although the weight loss is still the most visible change, I have so many people who comment on how happy I look.  For the first time in more years than I can remember (probably since I was a kid), I am completely content with my life.  What an incredible gift.  It's something I work for every day.  And, let me tell you, it's worth every second of the work I put in to make a better life for myself.

What defines us is how we rise after falling.