Paying it Forward

I've heard this phrase a few times in my life.  Most recently, at the opening day staff meeting where I work.  For some reason, it really resonated with me this time and has been bouncing around in my head for the last week.  And, if you've kept up with my story, you are familiar with what can happen when things bounce around in my head for awhile...

Paying it Forward - describing the beneficiary of a good deed repaying it to others instead of the original benefactor.

I've tried in many ways to explain what my experiences and friendship with Renee' have brought to my life.  But, I don't think words could ever do it justice.  I've tried to repay her for everything she has done but, honestly, I'll never be able to.  I mean, how do you repay someone who has literally helped you change your entire life and accepted every part of who you are even when you were at the lowest point ever?  Like I said, I don't think it's possible.  But, I like to try.  She says that just seeing me happy is enough.  I don't really understand how that could be true.  But, I do have some pretty random thoughts that are entertaining at times so, maybe that helps :) 

No matter what, I have become a firm believer in helping others.  It's always been a big part of who I am.  It's what I do for a living and, honestly, it's always been a huge part of my life.  I love seeing other people happy.  When it comes to changing my life, I am still astonished on a day to day basis with what I've been able to do.  With a lot of help and support.  I hope to be able to offer that to other people.  Because, if I can't repay Renee' for everything she's done for me (and continues to do), then I might as well help others see what it feels like to have someone care about you and your well being.  Because, I can say with 100% certainty that, if Renee' hadn't taken such an interest in me, I would not be where I am today.  

Life is a daily struggle for me.  Not just with weight.  With everything that has always made me so insecure.  Last week was rough.  I tried to use exercise as therapy.  And, at times, it worked.  Other times, not so much.  But, I got through it and I didn't (completely) revert to my old ways.  In my eyes, that's progress.  And, as someone who has learned a lot in the last year and a half, both about others and herself, just getting through difficult times without eating a gallon of ice cream and a large pizza is immense progress. 

So, how can I use this whole paying it forward thing?  I have no idea.  Maybe just being a friend to someone who needs it.  Or supporting someone who is trying to change his/her life.  I would hope that anyone I pay it forward to would want to do the same.  And, even as I sit here writing this, I'm thinking, hey, maybe I already have paid it forward in some ways.  I think me being happy and wanting to be around others has made a huge difference in the lives of my friends and family.  They don't worry about me (as much).  That's an incredible gift to those who love me.  Especially to those who stuck by me when I was at my lowest points.  

A year and a half ago, I could never have imagined that the beginning of a friendship would be the most incredible chance I ever took and have so many amazing rewards.  And so, I'll leave you with this - 

You'll never know what kind of a difference you can make in the life of someone you love.  Or, even, the life of someone you've never met that just needs some help.

My Thoughts on Depression

I've often said writing is like therapy to me.  It allows me to put my thoughts out there.  

The tragic death of Robin Williams has sparked a huge conversation about mental health.  Specifically depression as many sources say that he had been struggling with severe depression throughout the last few months.  Many people find it hard to comprehend how someone who had such a gift to entertain people, cared so much about every person he met and just had "everything" he could ever want could be fighting such an intense internal battle.  How could he hide it from the world?  I'm sure his close friends and family knew but the rest of the world?  His fans?  How could he hide something like that so well?

Well, clearly I did not know Robin Williams but, as someone who has struggled with depression, probably throughout more of my life than I ever realized at the time, I get it.  I understand why you hide it from the world.  I understand the inner struggle.  

If you've never experienced depression, it's difficult to describe what it feels like.  And it's not the same for everyone.  For me, there were several things that happened.  Nothing made me happy anymore.  I could put on a fake smile with the best of anyone.  Although the people who knew me best could see right through it.  I could feel myself being short with people I love.  I hid in my house when I didn't have to be at work.  I distanced myself from my friends.  I didn't feel like I brought any value to any relationship in my life.  It felt like there was this big cloud hanging over my head that never went away.  It weighed me down like you wouldn't believe.  And, yet, I wasn't willing to admit that something was wrong.  I was embarrassed.

After all, I work in a field that deals with mental health.  How could anything like this happen to me?  Because I'm human.  I think there is a genetic component to it in one way or another.  And, frankly, life hasn't always been real nice to me.  So, as I became more willing to admit that there was a problem, I was able to work my way through a lot of the feelings and emotions I had kept locked inside my head for so long.  The things that controlled me for years no longer had power anymore.  What a freeing feeling.  

I work with teenagers every day.  And, in the ten years I've been in my field, I've seen my fair share of depressed teenagers.  I think the most difficult thing for me is to see how much a stigma is still attached to the word 'depression'.  I mean, if a kid has a broken leg, you put a cast on it and it heals.  Just because you can't "see" depression doesn't mean the people who suffer from it don't need help.  In fact, because you can't see it, those people often need the most help.

If the people who love me hadn't reached out to me, I don't know where I would be today.  Depression is extremely treatable.  It has to be treated just like any other illness is treated.  I think my sister in law said it best - "sometimes, people just need a little help".  Finally, I'm not ashamed to admit I am one of those people.  It has made a world difference in my life, has allowed me to accomplish so many things, I can't even list them all.  Most importantly, it's allowed me to finally figure out what it feels like to be happy.

I don't pretend to understand everyone who struggles with depression.  It's different with everyone.  But, one thing is for sure, it's a silent disease that needs to lose the stigma attached to it.

If you think someone is struggling, reach out to them.  They may push you away.  Keep trying.  I pushed people away a lot before I finally caved.  It's often a defense mechanism.  You'll make a difference in more ways than you could possibly imagine.  

"See the light in others and treat them as if that is all you see"

RIP Robin Williams

Finding Confidence

I've written a lot about self-confidence and how that is something that has been such a struggle for me throughout my life.  It's been such a big part of the whole adventure I've been on to find myself.  

I have people ask me questions all the time.  I've written about that before.  I love it.  I am a completely open book about all of this.  I've even admitted on this blog that I've struggled with depression.  It's a big part of what brought me to my breaking point in January of 2013.  And it's a daily struggle.  Sometimes the smallest thing and set me back.  But, I can also climb right back out of that "hole" pretty fast.  I feel blessed that I've been able to figure out how to do that.

So much of this has to do with confidence.  In myself, in my family, in my friends and just people in general.  I have a difficult time trusting people.  I think my trust has just been broken too many times.  But, as I've figured out that the whole world isn't out to get me, I have more faith in people.  And I trust just a little easier with each day that passes because I have more faith in myself.

Another big part of that confidence has been sharing my story.  Sharing what I've learned.  What I continue to learn every day.  I learn things about myself, the world, exercise, and, of course, food.  I don't think I will EVER understand cooking.  It's way too complicated for me :)  But, that's another story.  

Throughout this adventure (and as it continues), I want to pay forward everything Renee' has done for me.  Especially since I'm not allowed to say thank you.  I think I am finally getting the chance to do that.  Over the last few weeks I've had a couple of people ask me for suggestions or little tips on things they can do to live a healthier lifestyle.  Every time someone asks me those types of questions, it surprises me.  I mean, clearly I am not an expert.  

But, I can relate.  I am someone who has been there.  More than once.  And it helps me stay on track when other people ask me to help them.  Allows me to remember (more than I already do), everything that I've done.  All I've accomplished.  And how much more is waiting out there for me. 

Helping others has boosted my confidence even more.  The fact that people turn to me for advice lets me see that there are so many things I am doing right.  It makes me feel successful in more ways that I can list.  And, best of all, it makes me happy that I can offer the kind of help to someone else that has been such an integral part of all my success over the last year and a half.  And, out of everything that happens in life, happiness is the most precious gift.  

To everyone who is, and continues to be, a huge part of my happiness, thank you.  My life wouldn't be what it is without all of you.  Thanks for helping me find the confidence I've been hiding for so long.  It's truly the greatest feeling.  I can't even begin to describe it.

This quote seems to describe perfectly how I feel about so many people in my life - 

Surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers, the believers, and thinkers, but most of all, surround yourself with those who see greatness within you, even when you don't see it in yourself.

Until next time - 

Amanda :) 

Right on Time

Kinda piggybacking off my previous entry.  It's all about the journey.  The adventure.  That's what this whole thing called life has become for me.  I used to just kinda float along.  No one ever really noticed me.  And I was okay with that.  As the above says - it's exactly what it needed to be.  For lots of reasons.  Some of which I still haven't figured out completely.  Maybe I never will.  And I have to be okay with that.  Because every single thing that occurs or has happened brought me to the current place in my life.  And, although I am still trying to change many things about my life, I know it will all happen when it's supposed to happen.  

Changing things in my life is not an easy process.  You'd probably say it's not easy for most people.  I think I might be kinda special in this department though.  I am so hesitant about things that are unknown to me.  As I said above, no one ever really noticed me.  It's completely bizarre to me that people notice me now. Heck, maybe they always did and I was just too down on myself to see it.  Either way, I'm thankful every day that I've found my way out of that dark hole.  

Everything happens for a reason.  And, although I may not ever understand why, I'm thankful every day for what I've experienced.  It's brought me to where I am today.  It's allowed me to rediscover my love for working with teenagers and helping them figure out their future plans.  It's allowed me to figure out so much about myself.  I have self confidence.  I smile.  Surprisingly, these are all things I never used to do.  

I hit a bit of a rough patch for a week or so over the summer.  It's not easy to admit that.  But, I am happy to say that, because of the strength I've found over the last year and a half, I was able to find my way out of it pretty quickly.  I knew it was okay to ask for help in sorting out what I was going through.  A couple of years ago, I would have just bottled it all up inside, eaten a few cookies and a gallon of ice cream and called it a day.  I would have pretended that everything was fine even though it wasn't.  Which brings me to this - 

It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now.  Truer words have never been spoken.  In addition to the above.  I still struggle with believing in myself.  And it amazes me on a regular basis that there are people who believe in me.  One random thing I noticed the other day - I was at an open house event, talking to someone and some random people that I believe know my brother waved and/or smiled at me.  Although they probably recognize me just from his games, it was a bit strange (to me) that they would acknowledge me.  Like I said before, I'm not used to being noticed.  Which is why I find it so weird when people use the word inspire and my name in the same sentence.  

One person in particular constantly challenges me to keep making changes so I can become the best version of myself.  Better than I ever thought I could be.  She knows how insanely difficult this is for me.  Yet, she still hasn't given up on me.  There are times I wonder if she regrets making me think (because it usually results in a lot of rambling thoughts) but, I know she wouldn't have it any other way.  That alone keeps pushing me to be better than I know how.   So, thanks Renee' :)  For being my friend and everything you've helped me find in my life.

The Inner Journey

It's funny how a conversation with someone who means the world to you but you don't get to talk to often can make your day that much happier.  Especially when that person says something that resonates so deeply, you can't stop thinking about it because it makes so much sense.  

I have always wondered why I am the way that I am.  Over the last year and a half I've come to terms with who I am, accepted that there are many people out there who like, love and respect me for who I am and so much more.  However, there is always that piece of doubt hanging around in my head that just asks the question "why?".  I couldn't list all of the things that would have the ability to follow that "why".  So, I'll just elaborate on the one that has been bouncing around in my brain since yesterday afternoon.  

You know how we all have this little piece of doubt inside of ourselves?  Well, I don't know if we all have it but I am guessing it's a piece of a lot more people than most of the world realizes.  My little piece of self doubt, or insecurity or inferiority or whatever you want to call it has always been much bigger than the average person you talk to.  That self-confidence, self-esteem or many other things that we all have different levels of throughout our lives.  I've just always struggled with so much about myself.  I always put up walls and I am not comfortable talking to people I don't know.  That's how I protect myself.  Always has been.  It's safe for me.  

As I was told yesterday, "it's almost as if there are two of you.  There's the person you see yourself as today and the person that's always been there.  That person that is full of doubt and insecurity.  Sometimes that person who has always been there likes to sneak up on you.  It's like you want to give that person a hug and say, I love you, but please go away".  Not because you don't love that part of yourself.  I mean, that part of me is a huge piece of what makes me who I am.  It's why I am good at my job.  It's why I can relate to the teenagers that I work with at school.  It's why my nephew and nieces love me.  It's what makes me a good listener.  It's what allows me the ability to relate to others in ways I wouldn't be able to were it not for my past experiences and that other piece of me making me who I am.  And, yes, I am actually complimenting myself.  For those of you who know me, you know that's a rare occurrence. 

Tomorrow marks 18 months since I began this adventure to figure myself out.  And to find happiness.  It's been quite the journey and it's not even close to being over.  It's an incredibly difficult process for me.  As another really smart person said to me a few days ago - think about how hard it was for you to take the steps you took last year.  You should try to get back into that mode.  It's how you figure out who you are.  What matters to you.  What's important to you.  And what makes your life your own.  I've got such a long way to go.  But, also, I can't believe how far I've come in such a short amount of time.  

The inward journey is about finding your own fullness, something that no one can take away.

Thanks for being a part of this journey with me :) 

Inspiration... Who, Me?

This weekend is the annual preseason tournament for the soccer teams my brother and sister coach in the fall.  I always try to go to a few games.  I enjoy it and I like supporting them and their teams.  They've coached at the school for several years so many of the parents and families have gotten to know my family and I.  As a result, many of them have watched me as I've transformed my life.  Which, I'll be honest, is fun for me.  Since I only see them a few months out of the year, I have been lucky enough to hear some fun compliments this weekend.  

The one word I still struggle with as a description of me is inspiring.  I mean, I haven't done anything special.  But, it is fun to hear and it has led me to these thoughts - 

I struggle with confidence every day.  Especially self-confidence.  It's something I work on all the time.  And some days are better than others.  In my 34 years, I've never had much confidence in myself. There are lots of reasons for that.  Many of which probably don't matter anymore but have all been a part of shaping me into who I am.  They are all reasons that I found myself in the position I was in a year and a half ago.  But, as I started to learn how to like myself and began to find my way in the world, I've realized it is okay to display the little bit of confidence I do have.  

One mom asked me how much weight I've lost.  When I told her she just said that's amazing, congratulations and told me I looked great.  Another mom is the one who said I am her inspiration (weird to me, but, okay :)) and just said I look great.  Renee' was sitting there and I think she said, "she's an inspiration to a lot of people".  I just smiled.  I really have difficulty with knowing what to say when I hear these compliments.  No idea why.  Maybe because I spent so long not hearing those kinds of positive things from people.  I'm not the best with thinking of things to say off the top of my head (which is one of the reasons I like writing this blog).  So, smiling is usually about the most you'll get out of me.  Not because I don't appreciate it.  But, because I'm still not very comfortable talking about myself.  

I don't even realize on a daily basis that I'm inspiring people (which I say only because that is what I've been told).  I guess the way I've started living my life every day could be considered inspiring.  I'm just happy.  I may not ever lose any more weight.  I hope I do but, if not, I'll work with what I've got.  I just keep trying.  I'm not (as) afraid of meeting new people.  Or going out in public.  I am definitely still guilty of hiding in my house.  But, I try to get out in the world.  I know being out among people is going to be something I work on for the rest of my life.  

Currently I'm struggling with what to focus on in my life.  I need some new goals.  I've been trying to think of a couple of things to work on for the last week or so but I'm not sure I've thought of anything yet.  So, my homework (yes, even I still have homework) right now is to try to figure out what I can work on.  So far, I have a blank piece of paper with Goals at the top.  Yeah, I've got some work ahead of me :) 

So, what does all of that have to with being inspiring?  Well, I guess to be inspiring you have to, as the quote above says, be a strong person.  And, while I'm not sure inspiring is an accurate description of me, I do think I'm a strong person.  I wouldn't have gotten to where I am in life if I weren't strong.  I have been pushed around and put in more difficult situations than I can count.  While I don't think I'll ever be sure of the reasons behind all of them, I know they are all a part of why I've found success in changing my life.  I've had ups and downs throughout this journey.  I still do.  But, it's how I go through those ups and downs that I believe makes me a strong person.  And, apparently, inspiring.  

The Five W's of Life

When I saw this, I loved it right away :)

Who you are is what makes you special.  Do not change for anyone.
It has taken me years to learn this lesson.  I posted something similar on my Facebook page last night.  For most of my life I've tried to fit in.  I've never been able to truly say who I am.  I still have trouble with it.  At the age of 34, I'm still trying to find my identity and my place in the world.  But, because I'm happy, I'm enjoying the process.  I enjoy being out in the world (as long as I don't have to talk to people I don't know...).  I used to try to change to "fit in" with a certain group of people.  Or to try to be someone I'm not.  Over the last year and a half, I've finally figured out that I love who I am and so do a lot of other people.  What a strange concept to discover at my age.  At the same time, it feels amazing!  And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

What lies ahead will always be a mystery.  Do not be afraid to explore.
I probably struggle with this the most.  I am a planner.  I like to know what's going to happen.  However, I also can go with the flow pretty easily.  As long as I have an idea of what's happening!  Throughout this journey to find who I am, I am slowly learning that it's okay to not know what's going to happen.  That it's fun be surprised.  That life is about exploring new things.  It's how you figure out who you are and what life may have in store for you.  I work at this every day.  And it's worth it.

When life pushes you over, you push back harder.
For so long I let life push me over.  I let people walk all over me.  I didn't have any self-worth or feel like I mattered to anyone.  As I've developed some confidence in myself, I've figured out that I can push back on everything that has pushed me down.  I don't have to be mean about it.  I just need to stand up for myself.  Find what makes me happy and pursue it.  A certain someone said to me recently, "create your own happiness".  For some reason, when I hear that from someone I trust, it makes me think about it more than I would if I just read it on my own somewhere.  Creating my own happiness is going to be a long process.  But, I am so excited for all the progress I've made so far!

Where there are choices to make, make the one you won't regret.
If I want to be happy I have to take chances.  I've learned to do that over the last year and a half.  When I have the choice to sit in my house by myself or go out to happy hour, I've started to choose happy hour.  The old me would have made up an excuse and stayed in the comfort of my house.  Now, I know that I will regret saying no to people, opportunities and chances to find happiness.  I've had enough regret in my life.  I certainly don't need any more regret!

Why things happen will never be certain.  Take it in stride and move forward.
I've said before I dwell on so many things.  I always want to know why things happen.  More importantly, why it always felt like the crappy stuff happened to me.  As I've started to see beyond my own issues, I can see everyone has experienced difficulty.  Others may not be aware of it but it happens.  Although I still do (and probably always will) analyze everything, I don't let it consume me.  If something not so great happens, I just go with the flow and know that something better lies ahead of me.  

She will deny it and say it's all me but I owe so much of this clarity to my friendship with Renee'.  For some reason, I believe we were meant to meet and be friends.  Her belief in me as a person broke down all the walls I had built up around myself for so many years.  To this day I'm not 100% sure why she took an interest in me but I am so thankful every day that she did.  I wouldn't be where I am in life without everything she has helped me discover about myself.  Our friendship is one of the greatest gifts I'll ever receive in my life.  :)