Rock Bottom

"Rock bottom became the solid foundation 

on which I rebuilt my life." - J.K. Rowling

It might sound silly to compare my life to this quote but I've seen it before and, each time, it has really resonated with me.  Rock Bottom is usually considered to be a bad place.  But, upon some reflection, I actually think it is the best thing that could have happened to me on several occasions. 

The way I look at it goes like this:

1.  If I hadn't hit rock bottom with regards to my struggles with weight and the depression issues it took me a long time to admit I have (although under control now), I never would have experienced the numerous blessings I've had in my life over the past 2 years.  Albeit slowly, I've learned how to trust people.  And, although it isn't something I do easily, I am a little more willing to take a chance and try to get to know people.  I'm still super guarded around people I don't know and still have trust issues.  I try to not dwell on things that have happened to me in the past but it's not always that simple.  The smallest things can bring me right back to the past.  The difference now?  I am strong enough to push through those memories and I find a little more strength each time I do.   It's helped me rebuild and redefine my life in ways I never thought would happen for me.

2.  My job - Although I worked with a lot of great people at my previous job, I just wasn't happy any more.  There were a lot of reasons that I don't feel the need to dwell on now.  I never imagined how much a change in where I go on a daily basis could make such an enormous difference in my life.  I had just hit a point where I needed a change more than even I realized.  I actually think I was at rock bottom when it came to work.  I didn't enjoy going anymore and, although I still loved my students, my overall happiness in life was really suffering.  I don't think even I knew how much this change would impact my life.  I love my job!  I smile every day now.  The people I work with are amazing.  They've become some of my best friends.  We laugh more than I ever thought could happen at work.  The best phrase I've got is, "it just felt right" (and it still does).  I may have hit the bottom but I have definitely climbed back up to where I want to be.  

3.  Other issues.  Needless to say, there were other things that led to my depression.  I do think some of it is genetic.  I have had issues with money and using shopping (along with food) as a coping mechanism for all the sadness I felt.  I can honestly say that I finally feel like I have put those issues behind me in the best ways.  There are times I still grab a cookie when I get stressed.  But, more often than not, I can walk away and not eat half a box like I did 2 years ago.  I don't feel the need to go shopping every weekend just to be social.  It used to be my way of interacting with other people.  I never would have admitted that 3 years ago.  

Rock bottom is different for everyone.  For me, it has a lot of different layers.  Who knows, maybe I haven't hit them all yet.  I hope I have but I guess you never know.  Life is full of twists and turns.  I think my point is, don't be afraid of recognizing when you've hit the bottom.  Because, there's no other way to go but up.  And, when you find your way back up, it's one of the greatest feelings in the world.  I speak from experience.

"The best feeling in the world is finally knowing you took a 

step in the right direction.  A step towards the future where everything that you never thought was possible, is possible."

Two Years .... and Counting

Two years ago today I took one of the most difficult steps I've ever taken in my life.

Honestly, I can't believe it's been two years since the day that I started a journey to change my life.  I feel like it has completely flown by.  But, there have been several difficult times within these two years of amazing achievements, accomplishments, goals met and just great things in general.  Know what?  I think that is what makes marking this 2 year anniversary that much sweeter.  To know that I can (and have) achieved so much and, for the most part, found new and healthier ways to deal with every day life speaks volumes about the transformation I've gone through.

I'm not done.  I'll never be done.  Life is an ever changing journey.  I learn things every day about myself and others.  As each day passes, I see more and more things I am capable of.  Two years ago, I never, in a million years, would have been thinking that way.  In fact, two years ago, I would have just been thinking, okay, just gotta get through another day.  Then I can go home, lay on my couch, eat whatever makes me feel better and pretend the outside world doesn't exist.  I couldn't see what a sad way that was to be "living" life.

Enter the person I now know as my good friend, Renee'.  I met her through my big brother.  She is one of, if not the most, genuine people I have ever met.  And, she is an expert in fitness and nutrition.  After talking to my brother about me (to this day I have no idea what transpired in that conversation), she agreed to meet with me to see if I wanted her help in figuring out my weight issues.  As scary as it was for me (because it involved the unknown), I contacted her via email and we arranged a time to meet.  That meeting took place two years ago today.  Trust me when I say, when I walked in there, I was at probably one of the lowest points I had ever been.  I was tired of being sad.  Sick of crying ALL THE TIME.  Done with isolating myself from the world.  But, I had no confidence in myself.  And no idea where to start.  I think that was very evident to Renee' the first time she met me.  Did I mention she's really good at reading people?  Yeah, I didn't realize how well she could read me right away.  Just sitting and talking to her, I immediately felt a sense of hope in a way I hadn't experienced in years.  I didn't really know what to do with that feeling.  She made me think about positive things about myself and actually talk about what I could think of.  Not an easy task for me.  I'm not good at talking about myself or finding anything good about who I am.  As we spoke, I became more and more comfortable, which is a rare occurrence for me in that short of a time frame.

That day was just the first step in an incredibly long, sometimes difficult and often rewarding process that I am still working my way through every day.  I still struggle at times.  But, so many weights (literally and figuratively) have been lifted off my shoulders in so many ways.  I'm happier than I ever thought I could be.  And I know that feeling is just going to continue to get bigger and better as the days, weeks and months go on.

So, with that, I thought I would add to the list that I started last year about things I've learned in the last year.  Some will probably be funny.  And random.  But, that's part of my charm.  Or, so I've been told.

1. I still can't cook.  I mean, why do recipes have to be so confusing?  But, I try.  Which generally resutls in a lot of laughing.  Especially at myself :)
2. Items people use to cook with often have weird names that make it hard to decipher where exactly they would be located in the grocery store.  Especially for someone like me.
3. Titles of recipes should really be written in English instead of this made up language recipe writers currently use...
4. Salmon (and most fish) smells weird.  And tastes funny.  At least to me.
5. Pinterest has great workouts.
6. Free workout classes are like gold.  Love that they are included in my Y membership!
7. Bears are mean - especially because the way they crawl is an usually cruel exercise in my opinion.
8. Living a healthy life isn't about a number on the scale.  It's about how I feel about myself and the people around me.
9.  I still love pizza.  It's just yummy.  Except now I eat one or two pieces instead of 6.  And, yes, I used to eat at least 6 pieces of pizza in a single sitting.  Sad, I know.
10. Running is a great workout.  And quicker than walking.  But, hills suck. 
11. Sharing achievements is so fun.  I haven't always had many of those in my life so the ones I accomplish now are just that much more special to me.
12.  Friends are the greatest gifts in the world.
13. I love riding bikes.  But bicycle crunches are a cruel creation.
14. My feet still get cold.  If only I weren't too lazy to get up & get a pair of socks.
15.  Pay attention to the details when ordering food on Amazon.  Otherwise you will end up with 4 family size bags of organic, gluten free candy.... at least I got a good deal!
16.  I still haven't figured out what to do with a garlic clove....
17. I enjoy working out in a way I never thought I would. 
18. Having a job and co-workers you truly enjoy being around is a gift that can't be put into words.
19. Naps are one of the greatest inventions.  EVER. :)
20. Life is a journey.  And the only way to experience that journey is to figure out what makes you happy.  It may take awhile.  I'm still figuring it out.  But, the process is so incredibly rewarding as you go through it.  I never knew what true happiness felt like until the last 2 years.  I'm finally okay with myself.  It's been a long time coming.  I'm so unbelievably thankful.  I can't even put my thankfulness into words.

Maintaining weight loss is something I've never been able to do.  And, although I have my ups and downs (on the scale and in other aspects of life) and am currently trying to find some balance with everything, making it through an entire year without reverting to my old ways is one of the greatest achievements in my lifetime.  It's hard for me to completely process that I've actually been able to maintain the weight loss.  But, I can say, I am prouder of myself than I ever thought I could or would be.


Renee' - I know you say this is all me and won't take credit for all the help, encouragement, advice, etc.  But, nothing could be further from the truth.  You gave me my life back.  Just by being an amazing friend. By pushing and encouraging me to do things I never thought were mentally, emotionally or physically possible.  And describing food to me.  And helping me figure out what various pans and dishes look like.  I still smile and laugh when I think about the first time we talked about food and you realized how incredibly clueless I was.  And I dripped green tea all over the recipes you'd written for me.... I could still read them... And I still have them :)  Who knew you are such a talented artist?? ;)  I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. Of course, I still get lost at the grocery store.  But, I think that's going to happen for a long time. 

Thank you.  In more ways than I could ever say or put into words.

Living in the Past, Future and..... the Present

This is true in so many ways.  And I've experienced 2 of the 3.

Depression is no joke.  It is a serious mental illness that has such a stigma attached to it.  In fact, I was probably guilty, at times, of not fully understanding how people feel who have depression.  But, given that I have now experienced it, I can honestly say it is one of the worst feelings in the world.  I can't even begin to describe what that hole feels like.  There really are no words that do it justice.  You just feel like you are constantly falling and there's no light at the end of the tunnel.  It's so true that you live in the past when you are depressed.  I know I did.  All I could focus on was what had gone wrong in my past.  How people had wronged me in so many ways (at least in my head) and how the past just "wasn't fair".  I couldn't see beyond what had happened to me and I couldn't find a way to work through it.  It was easy to just blame everything in life on the past.  Especially the bad stuff.  That's no way to live.

I've never experienced a clinical diagnosis of anxiety.  Never had anxiety or panic attacks.  But, I can see how those with anxiety live in the future.  Much the same as those with depression issues live in the past.  If you're constantly thinking about what is going to happen next, all you'll be able to think about is the future.  You'll never be able to live in the moment.  In some respects, I've seen pieces of this in myself.  With my depression, I also had to plan everything out.  I needed to know what was going to happen, how, when, etc.  Some of that is just my personality.  But, a majority of it was just my need to find control in some way, shape or form.

Often, that's the crux of anxiety and depression.  Clearly, I am not an expert.  But, speaking from personal experience, it's about finding control in your life.  Without control you often feel that spiraling feeling I described earlier.  And, it can be pretty scary at times.

So, now that I feel "at peace", is the last part of this quote true?  100%.   I enjoy every day life.  I live in the moment while being thankful for my past and planning for my future.  Every day is an adventure.  And I look forward to it.  I'm so blessed that I get to wake up every day with a smile on my face (despite not being a morning person).  My blessings are so plentiful I can't even begin to list them all.  I think about where I was 2 years ago and I don't even recognize that person.  Words can't describe the change that has happened in my life over the last two years.  Lucky and Blessed hardly do justice to what I've experienced.  And life just keeps going and gets better all the time.

No Regrets

A year ago I posted this on FB.  It didn't even need a caption.  The words spoke for themselves.  And, if it's possible, I love it even more than I did when I read it a year ago.  It speaks to me in a way that quotes and sayings often do.  

I have learned that life is short.  I've lost people close to me, watched people fight illness and all those other things that happen when you get older and realize life isn't fair.   It's funny, one thing I remember saying to Renee' about a month or so into this life changing journey is that I couldn't remember the last time I had woken up happy and gone to bed happy.  I find that to be more true with every day that passes.  I really try to not have regrets anymore.  I've learned they don't serve a constructive purpose.  It isn't worth it to dwell on things that can't be changed.  The past can't be altered.  All I can do is change how I approach similar situations in the future and learn from mistakes I make. 

Finding the right people to have in my life is another piece of life that has started falling into place for me.  Over the last couple of years I have developed friendships with some wonderful people.  These are relationships I don't think I would have ever been open to a couple of years ago.  I now see that I bring a lot of positive things to people and the world around me.  And I am so grateful for all of the amazing things all of these people bring to my life.  I now know how it feels to have true friendships in my life.  And, although it's been tough at times, I wouldn't change a second of the past because I firmly believe it has led me to where I am today.  Everything really does happen for a reason.

Taking chances has always been difficult for me.  Still is.  But, as I grow more and more comfortable in my own skin, I am more willing to do things that are out of my comfort zone.  I am (slowly) learning and figuring out that is the only way you find the life you are meant to have.  It takes time.  For some of us, it takes longer than it does for others.  But, when you finally figure it all out and start taking chances, it will change your life.  I can't even remember the life I was living two years ago.  The only reason I let myself try, is so I can remind myself that I never want to go back there.  Being happy is so much better than being sad and lonely all the time.

It's crazy how learning to love myself has allowed me to discover all of these things about myself and life in general.  Life is worth it.  To all those who have always stood by me, good times and bad, thank you.  Life wouldn't be the same without all of you.  :)

New Year... New Goals ... Blank Slate

Life changes can be scary.  But the results are, quite often, well worth it.  It truly amazes me everything in my life that has changed so much in the last two years.

I can still see myself two years ago and it makes me sad sometimes.  I mean, to think about all the time I wasted being sad.  And isolating myself from the world.  

However, I do know it all happened for a reason.  And, I can also look back and see how much love and support I found simply by opening myself up to the world around me.  

Last year, I tried to focus goals on fitness and not necessarily weight because I was growing more and more frustrated with my body's unwillingness to lose weight at this time last year.  Well, although my body still refuses to lose weight, I have learned to not dwell on it.  That just because the number on the scale doesn't say what I want it to say doesn't mean I am not getting healthier and more in shape.  A year ago I never imagined that in October of 2014 I would run an entire 4 mile race in under 45 minutes.  I still find it crazy that this actually happened.  Just a few weeks ago the doctor told me that I was gaining muscle.  That made me feel good because certainly, at this point, that's the goal with exercising!  

Throughout the last year, I have grown, changed and made decisions I never thought I'd have the courage to make and follow through with.  A big part of that is just finding confidence and believing in myself and all that the world has to offer me.  And all that I have to offer the world.  Feelings that didn't exist in me two years ago.  

Looking back to when 2013 started, I couldn't have imagined all the good fortune, blessings, love, friendships and so much more that would come into my life.  I guess everything does happen when it's supposed to happen.  So, when 2013 ended, I wasn't sure what 2014 would turn out to be like.  I mean, how could I possibly top the year that completely changed my life for the better?  Turns out, it's possible.  2014 was another year full of amazing blessings, friendships and just all around good things.  I had my ups and downs, just like everyone.  But, overall, I never thought this kind of happiness could exist in my life.  

And so, as I look at 2015 and all the possibility it holds, I am in awe of what I could do.  I am, however, having trouble coming up with  some goals for the new year.  I no longer make resolutions.  Just goals that I know I can work towards and (more than likely) accomplish by the end of the year.  I don't really enjoy running.  I just do it as a means to an end so I can safely say I have zero desire to try a  half marathon.  But, I am thinking about the Flying Pig relay.  I'm not sure I'd make it the whole part running but I would certainly try.  It's an option.  I definitely have a financial goal with regards to saving money.  In fact, with me and my planning skills, I already have it written out!  Other than that, I'm struggling to come up with other goals.  I'm going to keep working on a plan and see what I can come up with because I know I do much better when I have goals to focus on and something to work for and towards.  

The best part about a new year?  In my opinion, it's the blank slate that comes with it.  Anything can happen.  And anything is possible.  That used to scare me to death.  Now, I think it's fun.  Although I will always be a planner (I can't help it, it's genetic), I love how much easier it's become for me to go with the flow and just enjoy life.  

For the longest time, I never understood why I was here.  And, no, I don't say that to make people feel sorry for me.  If anything, I say it so you can see just how far I've come in the last two years.  And that change is possible at any point in your life.  It takes time.  

But, I speak from experience, it's worth it in more ways than I could ever put into words.  

It's Been Quite A Year.... Again!

Last year at this time I was writing about my year in review.  I couldn't believe everything that had happened in 2013 and how much self discovery I had found my way through. Honestly, I still can't believe it.  Of course, I did it all with a lot of help.

So, as I begin to look back on 2014, it's absolutely crazy to me that another year has gone by.  I never thought anything could top 2013.  And, to be honest, I don't think anything will compare to what I achieved and accomplished last year.  This year has been incredible in other ways.  But, it's amazing how much better life has gotten and how 2014 has been an even better year than I thought was possible.

It's definitely been a year about finding balance, looking for different things to work towards and just, in general, figuring myself out even more.  It took me a long time to figure out that I couldn't have my life revolve around a number on the scale.  In fact, I got to a point where I had to put the scale in the closet.  I was allowing that number to control my life.  While it's healthy to know my weight, I don't need to be checking it several times a day.  Even now, I only get the scale out every couple of weeks.  Sounds strange but this was a huge step for me.

Once I did that I was sitting around like, okay, now what?  For so long my life has revolved around my weight and all the emotional and physical struggles that come with a lifelong struggle with weight.  So, now I had to find something else to focus on.

Even though I don't really enjoy running, I decided doing some different races, setting goals and having different times to beat would be something I could work towards.  But, where to start?  Yeah, I can run here and there.  But for more than a mile at a time?  Yeah, not really my strong suit.  But, as I kept working, I realized that every small step I took was a step towards achieving another goal.  And, for me, achieving goals that were not weight loss related was a huge step in the right direction.  I did a 5k (ran the whole thing) two 10k's (where I only walked a little and ran the first 3 miles without stopping) and a 4 mile race (which I ran without stopping).  Each time I accomplished something, I found another piece of that confidence I have been searching for for so many years.  

See, unfortunately, confidence isn't something we are all born with.  Well, maybe we are but, for some, it's more difficult to find.  That would be me.  I have always struggled with believing in myself.  So, finding other things to celebrate and focus on other than weight were huge milestones for me.  I love that I wake up with a smile on my face almost every day.  Just two years ago, I never could have imagined that would happen.   

Figuring myself out has been and continues to be a long process.  But, it really is crazy to look back on these last 23 months and see just how much my life has changed for the better.  I have finally figured out how to put myself first without giving up the things that are important to me.  Balance is a struggle for me.  But, I do believe that each day I get a little better at it.  

It's difficult to sum up 2014 but, if I have to, I can just say that it's been a year of growth, change and even more self-discovery.  And, although this process can be difficult at times, every step is necessary. 

I'm so excited to see what 2015 has in store for me!

Treat Others The Way You Want To Be Treated

Ever since I started writing it, I've used this blog to express myself because it really is the best way for me to share my thoughts, feelings, etc.  So, while I'm sure many people will have various opinions on what I am about to write, just know that it is my perspective on what is often a sensitive issue.  Given some recent events, it is something that I've thought about more over the last few days than I have in a long time. 

Bullying.  Unfortunately we hear about it all the time.  Too many kids are victims of all sorts of bullying.  And the definition of bullying has become so broad with increased availability of social media.  I'm only 34 years old.  According to some of my students, I'm not old.  Although there are times I feel that way.  That being said, it's astounding to me what kids today have to deal with on a regular basis.  I am thankful every day I grew up before social media existed.  Kids have 24/7 access to anyone.  Including people they want to taunt, tease or bully.  Home used to be a safe place for kids who were having a difficult time at school.  Unfortunately, that's often not the case anymore.  Don't get me wrong, most kids still feel safe at home, with their family, parents, etc.  But, they can no longer fully escape from the trials they go through on a daily basis unless they completely unplug from the world.  And, if you know any pre-teen or teenager, you know there is about a one in a million chance of that ever happening.  

I probably have a very different point of view on this because I've been on both sides of the equation.  I was bullied throughout middle school and high school.  It wasn't overt.  I never felt physically threatened.  But, emotionally, I was down on myself every day.  I never felt I could trust anyone.  The way people spoke to me and about me (when they knew I could hear them) was more hurtful than I could ever put into words.  To this day it affects me.  There were things posted in my locker from time to time that were extremely hurtful and untrue.  I kept it all to myself.  I don't know why.  Maybe because I was embarrassed.  Or because I didn't think anyone could do anything to stop it.  But, mostly, it was probably because I didn't want to know what would happen if I told on the people bullying me.  If I even knew who they were, which, sometimes I wasn't 100% sure.  While I so wished someone would see how much I was hurting, I wasn't willing to reach out for help.  I had plenty of adults that I trusted at school, but, deep down, I really think I was embarrassed.

As a guidance counselor for the last 11 years, I can see the other side of this issue.  I HATE hearing about kids being bullied.  I want to fix it for them.  But, I also can't help them if I don't know about it.  I am not a mind reader, although I wish I were at times.  Unfortunately, kids today will do exactly what I did 20 years ago - they'll keep it to themselves.  Being bullied is embarrassing.  It damages your self-esteem in ways I don't think everyone understands. 

My best advice is this - teach your children to love and respect one another and model that for them.  Even though I was bullied, it never entered my mind to react in a mean and spiteful way.  I wasn't raised that way.  Since the day I came into this world, my parents have demonstrated how to have love and respect for everyone you meet.  They raised me, my brother and my sister that way and I couldn't be more thankful for that.  It's not in my nature to be outright mean to others.  And I firmly believe that is because of the way I was raised.   If your child is being bullied, report it.  Immediately.   Don't be afraid.  As long as you treat people with respect, I honestly believe you (and your child) will be treated with respect with regards to your specific situation. Treat others as you would want to be treated. You know your child best.  If something doesn't seem right, don't be afraid to question it.  I know I got so mad at my parents when they would question me about lots of things.  Looking back now... it's because they cared.  And because they could see something was wrong. 

As I stated above, as a kid who was bullied, I kept it to myself.  To an extent, I shared some of it with my family but they never knew how bad I felt about it or myself.  I kept all of that inside.  And I never shared it with anyone at school.  Unfortunately, I think that is still the case with most kids today.  It's embarrassing to admit you are being bullied.  You don't want to draw attention to it.   But. that's exactly what needs to happen to begin to resolve any situation with regards to kids having a difficult time.

You might be thinking, why write about this now?  Well, because it is always a relevant topic.  But, also, because it is something that has affected me throughout my life.  I believe it was a huge part of the beginning of my depression (which I believe started back in my teenage years).  Thankfully, I didn't have access to the things kids see these days through Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, the internet and all the other resources out there. 

I think the bottom line is this - 

And, as I once heard at a school assembly - 

"People will never know how far a little kindness can go"    - Rachel Joy Scott