If you've been following my story at all, you know that the last 21 months have been full of incredible change for me. Some was easy but, for the most part, it's been a difficult process. It's crazy how set in my ways I was at 32 (and still am to an extent at 34). Weird how much I've changed in less than 2 years in so many positive ways. Amazing how many incredible people I've been blessed enough to meet and have in my life simply by opening myself up to the possibilities that are there when you take a chance to make your life better.
My incredible aunt sent me the quote above. You'd think with how much I love quotes that I would have seen them all by this point. But, I've never seen this one until she sent it and I love it. I like to be in control. I think we all have a piece of that in us. But, for some, it matters more. Or is more a part of who they are as people. I think I fall somewhere in the middle. At least now. I can honestly say that wasn't the case 2 years ago. I needed to have control over everything possible because I couldn't control what was happening inside me. Or, I didn't want to have to try to figure out what was wrong with me so it was easier to try to control everything on the outside. Or, so I thought.
Imagine my surprise when, as I started to find some self-worth, controlling things on the outside gradually became less important. And less necessary. I began to see that as I took control of myself I would experience so much more positive change than I would ever find by trying to control stuff that, in reality, didn't matter.
Slowly, I took control of what I needed to control to be happy. Myself. With Renee's help, guidance, friendship and large amounts of patience with me :), I learned about food, exercise, and found confidence in myself. I began to smile more than I ever thought I would have a reason to. My attitude towards life lightened up and I began to see all the positive things, people, etc that I had in my life. It may be difficult to understand if you never experienced it, but, when you're depressed, it's almost impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel. All I could focus on was everything that was negative in my life. I didn't like it but I didn't know what to do about it. When I finally learned how to take control over what I could/needed to have power over, my life completely changed. For the better.
Every day is a challenge for me. Some days more than others. It's a battle I will always fight with myself. But, with every day, I become more capable of living life with a light in my eyes and personality that, two years ago, I never dreamed was possible. There isn't a cloud hanging over my head like there used to be. And I firmly believe that is because I am happy. For the first time in more years than I can remember, I am genuinely happy. I enjoy my daily life, I laugh at myself (because I really am an idiot sometimes, especially about food) and just finally realize that I bring a lot to the world. And that something might actually be missing if I disappeared. Two years ago, when my mom asked me that question, I said I wasn't sure that I would be missed. I didn't see that I had so much to offer to those in my life and those I had yet to meet.
It's hard to put into words the transformation that has occurred in my life in the last 21 months. If you knew me two years ago and you know me now, you know how incredibly true that statement is, in more ways than I could ever describe. I haven't changed the core of who I am. I've just realized that the core of who I am is amazing. And I can continue to build on that and make an incredible life for myself full of blessings.
Incredible change - It's an amazing feeling. Both inside and out :)
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