I have always wondered why I am the way that I am. Over the last year and a half I've come to terms with who I am, accepted that there are many people out there who like, love and respect me for who I am and so much more. However, there is always that piece of doubt hanging around in my head that just asks the question "why?". I couldn't list all of the things that would have the ability to follow that "why". So, I'll just elaborate on the one that has been bouncing around in my brain since yesterday afternoon.
You know how we all have this little piece of doubt inside of ourselves? Well, I don't know if we all have it but I am guessing it's a piece of a lot more people than most of the world realizes. My little piece of self doubt, or insecurity or inferiority or whatever you want to call it has always been much bigger than the average person you talk to. That self-confidence, self-esteem or many other things that we all have different levels of throughout our lives. I've just always struggled with so much about myself. I always put up walls and I am not comfortable talking to people I don't know. That's how I protect myself. Always has been. It's safe for me.
As I was told yesterday, "it's almost as if there are two of you. There's the person you see yourself as today and the person that's always been there. That person that is full of doubt and insecurity. Sometimes that person who has always been there likes to sneak up on you. It's like you want to give that person a hug and say, I love you, but please go away". Not because you don't love that part of yourself. I mean, that part of me is a huge piece of what makes me who I am. It's why I am good at my job. It's why I can relate to the teenagers that I work with at school. It's why my nephew and nieces love me. It's what makes me a good listener. It's what allows me the ability to relate to others in ways I wouldn't be able to were it not for my past experiences and that other piece of me making me who I am. And, yes, I am actually complimenting myself. For those of you who know me, you know that's a rare occurrence.
Tomorrow marks 18 months since I began this adventure to figure myself out. And to find happiness. It's been quite the journey and it's not even close to being over. It's an incredibly difficult process for me. As another really smart person said to me a few days ago - think about how hard it was for you to take the steps you took last year. You should try to get back into that mode. It's how you figure out who you are. What matters to you. What's important to you. And what makes your life your own. I've got such a long way to go. But, also, I can't believe how far I've come in such a short amount of time.
The inward journey is about finding your own fullness, something that no one can take away.