For anyone who may be confused as to why this is necessary, if you haven't already figured it out, I don't like to be in situations where I don't know people, I rarely go places by myself where I might have to talk to someone I don't know and I am a creature of habit and routine. I like to know what's going to happen and when. I am a planner at heart but I can also go with the flow without much of a problem. Oh, and I love to be in my pajamas. Especially on Sundays.
So, after my most recent conversation with Renee', I realized I needed to make an effort to not do what I normally do every weekend. I needed to just get out of my house. Last weekend I hardly left my house and I could feel how little energy I had - I mistook that for being relaxed. In reality, I hadn't had contact with anyone in 2 days (except Special Olympics practice for an hour on Saturday) other than text messages. Don't feel bad for me - it was my choice and I was completely okay with it. Until I got in trouble. And started to feel guilty for laying on the couch on a gorgeous day.
On Saturday, I really had to think of things I could do to be out of my house. The good thing? I had a few things already planned so I just had some time to fill. I ran in a 5K that morning. The first time I've run an entire 5K. And I did it by myself! The only person there that I knew was the person organizing the entire event. I actually said a few words to someone while I was waiting at the start line. That's a huge improvement for me. When I finished the race in 32 minutes, I was shocked. In a good way. It started my day off on a great note :) After the race I went home, showered and, instead of planting myself on the couch (that's what I would normally do), I went to get my nails done. I needed to get the shellac stuff taken off and decided to get a manicure while I was there. I had the shirt from the race on and someone sat down next to me and started talking to me. I actually spoke to her! We had a good conversation. Anyone who knows me well would be shocked that I actually had a conversation with someone I had never met. Made me feel pretty proud of myself!
I made myself go to Panera, get lunch and sit outside all by myself. I did play on my phone most of the time but at least I went somewhere and ate by myself! The afternoon was busy with Special Olympics practice and renewing my first aid. I did a few more errands afterwards and, by the time I got home, it was 615. Other than taking a shower, I hadn't spent any time at my house all day! Success! And, although I was tired, I felt a weird kind of energy. I was happy and I was proud of myself. I enjoyed spending the rest of the night on the couch in my pjs. But, I think I earned it!
Sunday I had every intention of going and sitting at Starbucks for awhile at some point in the day but that didn't end up happening. I met a friend to buy a new phone and switch providers. It took a little longer than I thought and I had things I needed to do at home. So, although I spent most of the day at home, I was not being lazy, I didn't take a nap and I didn't change into my pjs until 630. That's a step in the right direction for me :)
Living my life is going to be a new part of this journey for me. Although I have more confidence, I'm still not always real comfortable in my own skin. At times, I have trouble seeing what I have to offer the world and it boggles my mind that people want to talk to me, get to know me and hear my story. I spent so many years just assuming that there wasn't much that was special about me and that I was better off blending into the background.
As you can probably guess, when you've spent the majority of your life living that way, change doesn't happen overnight. It's been almost 15 months since I started this incredible adventure and I know I am nowhere near done. I'm still working on the weight loss and, although it was the catalyst for starting all of this, it's no longer my primary focus. I need to figure out how to get myself out among the living. I am so much better than I was a year ago but I still have so much more to do. Every day I am thankful for the people and friendships that have helped me and will continue to help me push myself and figure this out. I couldn't do this without all of you and knowing you have my back 100% of the time :)
"Don't compare yourself to others.
Compare yourself to the person from yesterday."