I was talking to a co-worker today and I had a thought for something to write about. So, I'm going to give it my best shot.
What kind of differences do I notice in myself? Besides the weight loss, probably my fitness level. I think back to where I was in the middle of May and what I was able to do and it truly amazes me that, since then, I've given myself the ability to do so much more. Boot camp with Renee' is very different for me now. Don't get me wrong, I am nowhere near where the other people are but just the fact that I am able to lift weights when I do some exercises is a huge difference. There are still modifications for me and I think there will be for a long time but that's okay. Another difference...I almost understand what Renee' is saying when she describes an exercise to me. I still get a confused look on my face but I can figure it out a little quicker ;)
I also notice my confidence level. As I become more confident in myself, I more willing to do things on my own. I still don't talk much in new situations but at least I go. I think that whole talking thing is just a personality trait that I can't get rid of. Well, it's probably more of a safety net for me. I mean, if I don't say anything, I don't have to worry about someone not liking me, right? On the flip side, if I don't talk, I might miss out on getting to know someone really awesome. So, I'm working on that whole talking thing. But, just going to different places is a huge difference for me and probably one of my biggest achievements. I know Renee' has other ideas but I've been able to avoid them.... for now :)
In addition to my confidence level, I am so much happier. I think those two things go hand in hand. I believe in myself and, therefore, I walk around with a smile on my face and try to make other people smile. I love that part of life :)
I think about the people I've just met in the last few months and how it's hard for them to imagine me the way I was at the beginning of the year. Because I've been along for the whole ride (obviously), sometimes I don't notice all the changes I've made and differences in myself. In fact, it's still hard for me to take compliments from people because I still have this distorted image of myself. I think, in some ways, I always will. You are your own worst critic. I know I am. Of course I am thinner than I was 9 months ago but when someone calls me skinny, I just shake my head and say "I'm not skinny, but thank you". When I look in the mirror I see how different I look but I don't think I will ever refer to myself as skinny. In fact, I'm not sure I want to. I would love to be able to describe myself as toned.
In addition, I try my best to not judge other people because I completely know what it feels like to think people are staring at you or judging you because of your weight or the way you look. Who am I to judge? I don't know your personal circumstances. I think that was one of the hardest things for me to wrap my brain around in the past and even as a I started this adventure. I know I was self conscious about going to the gym at first. And every time Renee' gave me a new exercise to try I was worried about looking like an idiot. Slowly, I discovered that no one was really watching me and, even if they were, who cares what I look like?? Unfortunately, people can be mean, and if they don't know your story, it makes being yourself and believing in yourself that much worse. I guess what I'm trying to say is, through my life experiences, I've learned to not judge a book by its cover. It's amazing what it's inside of someone if you just take the time to find out what's there.
Being myself is an wonderful gift and I cherish it every day!
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment" - Ralph Waldo Emerson